An Extravaganza of Zimmish Musical Madness!
by Nadine
Summary: I have written insane Broadway versions of "Bestest Friends", "Game Slave 2", "Rise of the Zitboy", "Tak, The Hideous New Girl", and "Dib's Wonderful Life of Doom"! For parodies, I have included MIDI links to the tunes. The Extravaganza is now complete!
1. Bestest Friends, Act I

**An Extravaganza of Zimmish Musical Madness! **

* * *

Because of "popular demand" and the all-powerful force of boredom, I have decided to write more Zim musicals. Be very afraid. I should be adding more when I feel like it. Note that I don't follow the letter of the episodes; I have to change things around a bit. 

* * *

**Bestest Friends (Act I)**

* * *

_Scene I: The Cafeteria_

_Kids are eating lunch. A spotlight is on Zim._

**Another Lunch**  
Zim: Another lunch at skool  
Another day to plan my conquest  
And my eventual rule

Another day to dream  
And to let my brilliant mind suggest  
The best invading scheme

And none do realize  
Except for Dib, but no one buys  
His pathetic stories

So I am free to plan  
The coming overthrow of man  
And future Irken glories

These foolish Earthlings do not know  
The greatness of their secret foe  
Alas, it will just mean their doom  
As the Irken army will make room  
For the Earth's annihilation!

With my disguise  
They simply won't catch wise  
'Till I've caused great devastation!

_Kids start throwing food and begin an elaborate dance number._

Kids: It's time for a food fight!  
We'll fling our peas with all our might  
With a side of potatoes

We can wage a war  
By throwing meals to the floor  
From burgers to tomatoes

Another chance to play  
By throwing all our food away  
How could a kid resist?

Torque: This is such a blast!  
Hey, you! You had better think fast!

_Torque throws mashed potatoes at Zita, but she ducks and it hits Zim._

Zita: Ha, nice try! You missed!

_Zim, in pain, runs around._

Zim: Ow! Oh, the pain, the agony!  
I need this... food-stuff off of me.  
Eech, curse these starch potato things...  
For pain... such pain, this cuisine brings,  
Its evil has no parallel!

Ahhh, ow, that hurt!  
I needed an alert  
If I were to prepare more well...

_Silence. All of the kids are staring at Zim._

Zim, speaking: What?

_The kids go back to eating their food. A spotlight is on Jessica and her friends, and another one is on Zim. There is a dimmer spotlight on the geeky kids in the corner._

**Inhuman**  
Jessica: There's something weird  
About that guy  
And I have feared;  
I'll tell you why...

Aki: Well, duh, it's clear  
That kid's a mess  
I'm sorry dear,  
It's obvious

Jessica: No, you misunderstand...  
What's exactly at hand...

This skool, I'm sad to say, has many weirdos and geeks  
From those who are eccentric to the true nuts and freaks

Many don't fit in the crowd  
They're too boorish or too loud  
All those weird braniac nerds  
Who use hundred-dollar words  
There's the dark poetic type, or  
That weird kid with the pet viper  
Aki: And there's the debate team kids  
With their "Ergos" and "Quo pro quids"  
Jessica: Yes. Enough, I've shown the slant  
Of my 'geek takeover' rant

But let's talk about Zip...

_Zim starts to listen._

Zim: Who, me?...  
Jessica: He's worse than the rest.  
For even the worst of geeks has a friend they like best.

But he just sits alone at lunch; I am assumin'  
That such friendlessness seems, well, a little inhuman.

Zim: Inhuman? It's all lies!  
I am perfectly disguised.

Jessica: You'd think he'd find someone  
To play with and have fun  
Like that crazy Dib, or even

_Jessica points toward the geeky kids in the corner._

One of those losers could leaven  
His freaky loneliness  
But I shouldn't digress  
The point is, so to speak,  
That this new kid is a freak.

Jessica and friends: Yes, it's so true, there's quite a suspicion loomin'  
That this Zip kid, being friendless, is a little inhuman.

_The spotlights on Jessica's group and the geeks fade._

**Zim's Nightmare**  
Zim: Is it true? Is it so clear?  
Do I act less human than I appear?  
No, it's not, no it can't be!  
There must be friendless kids other than me...

_Zim watches as the other kids perform a dance in which they all demonstrate friendship. The music becomes more ominous._

Can this really be the truth?  
Is my lack of a best friend really proof  
Of my alien origin?  
How will I be secure? How will I win?

I fear my worst nightmare is coming true...  
Now I can see...  
My mission, gone. My fate, it will be grue-  
-some and scary...

I see Earthlings everywhere!  
They are in my secret lair...  
And they are all aware  
Of the truth; they come to stare!

And I am trapped; I can't resist  
The cruelty of each scientist.  
They'll smugly say, "All doubt was ended  
When we saw he was not befriended."

Filthy humans celebrate  
My capture and my sorry fate  
And I can see that at this rate  
I'll be in tabloids before too late.

Yes, a nightmare is coming... right before my eyes!  
A nightmare, and it's... taking me by surprise!  
How can I keep it from coming true?  
And how will I be able to  
Protect my secret?

If I could stop this nightmare... by changing my ways...  
By getting some Earth-type friend... I could avert disgrace!  
If there's someone I act nicer to  
Then they'll be none the wiser. True?  
Why yes, that's it!

_Zim walks to the table with the geeky kids._

Zim, speaking: Who of you feels worthy of being my best friend?

**If You'll Be My Friend**  
Zim: Come, Earth children, come, the time is near  
If you are indeed worthy, you must now appear.

Your luck is nothing short of great  
For you shall have a pal, first-rate  
If you'll be my friend!

_Zim goes to Dirge._

Hello there, my classmate, would you like the spot?  
Dirge: Uh, sure... Hey, do you want to know what?  
I was born with webbed toes, like a web-toed fish kid.  
Would you like to see?  
Zim: No... uh, time for a new bid.

_Dirge walks away._

Too bad, but you don't qualify  
Would somebody else like to try?  
Please come be my friend!

_Zim goes to Matthew._

Now it's your turn...  
Matthew: Aaah!

_Matthew screams and runs away._

Zim: ...I guess he's off the list.  
Squealy fool, you don't know what you've missed!  
So now it's two down and three left to go.  
I'll need to test you in order to show...

...That you're a worthy pal for me.  
Earn the privilege of being Zim's buddy!  
Please come be my friend!

_The three final kids gather around Zim._

My studies have shown that a loyal Earth friend  
Excels at the tests I am about to rend-  
-er. Pay attention, lucky children, for I must  
Complete these tests just as discussed!

Test One... Absorbency!  
Kids: Absorbency! Soon we'll see  
Who will be Zim's friend!

_As music plays, Zim pours milk on the table and pits the kids' heads in the milk to test their absorbency. Only Keef is successful. Zim holds two electrically charged wands._

Zim: Test Two... Conductivity!  
Kids: Conductivity! Certainly  
We'll find out who's Zim's friend!

_Zim walks towards the kids. An onstage explosion obscures the test. When it clears, Melvin and Gretchen are charred._

Melvin and Gretchen: We don't know if we'll be your friend...  
Zim: Hush, children, those wounds will mend.  
In any case, there's one test left to do...  
Until I find a friend who will be true!

_Zim gets out the toy beaver and taxicab. As he walks towards the three kids, the tone of the music abruptly changes, becoming more upbeat. The curtain falls, and several kids, dressed in stereotypical Broadway garb, dance on stage and begin to sing._

**Unfortunately Necessary**  
Kids: We want to keep this rated G  
So this plot segue will be  
Unfortunately  
Necessary!

Let us sing, or even dance  
You'll have to give us a chance  
We're unfortunately  
Necessary!

Let's see, let's see...  
How can we help out the story?  
Let's recap the plot thus far.  
Those who snoozed will then know where we are!

Then our song will have some worth  
Besides providing mindless mirth  
That's unfortunately...  
Sara: Yes, so unfortunately...  
Kids: Unfortunately...  
Sara: Truly a pity...  
Kids: Necessary!

Smeedge: Poor Zim was faced with quite a difficult situation.  
He needed to find friends and so he made an invitation  
Mary: To a bunch of loser kids who he then would be able to use  
To prove his human skill at making friends; that was his basic ruse!  
The Letter M: And so he's testing them with some really oddly designed tests  
To discover, of the kids, who had the necessary skills the best.  
Kids: And that's where we left off, so it is really time that we were done  
And so if you had any doubts, you will now see which kid has won!

_The kids tap dance off stage and the curtain rises. Melvin and Gretchen are sitting down and are in bad shape. Keef, who is not much worse for the wear, is standing next to Zim._

Zim, speaking: We have a winner! What is your name, friend?

**Best Friends Forever**  
Keef: Keef! It's Keef!  
Oh what a great relief!  
I've never won a single thing before!

Oh boy! What joy!  
What words can I employ,  
To say how my emotions soar? For...

Zim is the best, he's so funny and clever  
And I'm his friend; I'll be the best friend ever!  
You may ask if our friendship we'll sever,  
But we could never... we're best friends forever!

Whee! Whoopee!  
I can't contain my glee!  
This is the greatest day I have known!

Keef, speaking: Now you do one, Zim!

Zim, flatly: Yay. Hurray.  
What a ter-rif-fic day.  
We will never again be alone.

Keef: Zim, you're too great, and that verse was so clever!  
I'm glad I'm your friend; I will be the best ever!  
Some may ask if our friendship we'll sever,  
But we could never... we're best friends forever!

Zim, speaking: Keef, come with me.  
Keef, speaking: Sure, buddy!

_Zim and Keef go towards Jessica's table._

Zim: This... is Keef!  
Don't give me any grief,  
For in Keef I have found my bestest friend

Jessica: Hey, go away!  
Please do just as I say  
I don't want two losers to attend

Zim: Fine, I'll get lost, I'll do whatever  
You say, but note that Keef's my best friend ever!  
You may ask if our friendship we'll sever,  
But we could never... we're best friends forever! 

Zim and Keef: It's clear to see...  
That we will be...  
Best friends forever!

_Curtain falls._

* * *

**INTERMISSION**  
Keef's wardrobe is provided by: Keef's Mom, Inc. 

* * *


	2. Bestest Friends, Act II

Bestest Friends: The MUSICAL! (Act 2)

* * *

_Scene I: Keef's and Zim's Houses_

_A part of the stage, containing Keef's room is illuminated. Keef is at his desk with a diary, and a phone is nearby. Keef's painting is also visible; it's hanging on the wall._

**Keef's Diary**  
Keef: Dear Diary,  
Oh gosh golly gee!  
What news I have to tell.

For Zim and me  
Are close as can be!  
We get along so well!

We've done so much that's fun,  
Though our time together's just begun.  
My happiness can't be contained!

We two have grown so close  
And though I really hate to boast,  
I think this should be explained!

Let me tell you of our times together, though I know that there will be more,  
Since I know that we'll be friends forever, there's sure to be fun in store...

On the first wonderful day  
We two friends went out in the field to play!  
What fun, what joy!

Though I felt a bit of pain  
When my head hit the ball, I can't complain.  
Oh gosh, oh boy!

And the next day, we did paint  
Zim and my paintings did outshine the quaint  
Works of our peers.

They both were a testament  
To our friendship, we did represent  
Our pal for many years!

And I cannot wait to see  
What Zim will have in store for me!  
Oh, what on Earth will it be?

_Keef picks up the phone to dial Zim. A second spotlight goes on Zim's house. The phone rings, but it's a 'musical' tone rather than a normal phone noise._

Zim, speaking: Hello?

**The Phone Call**  
Keef: Hey there, my buddy, my very best friend!  
I know the perfect thing for us to do this weekend!

Do you like the circus?  
Zim: Well, uh...  
Keef: Oh, that's great!  
Let's go to the circus next Friday, don't be late!

_Zim looks less than pleased._

Zim: Keef, I must tell you that you have done well  
Rumors that I can't make friends have quickly been dispelled

Thank you, but your job is now obsolete  
We should now part ways; your work is finally complete

_Zim hangs up the phone, and Keef dials again._

Zim, speaking: Yes?

Keef: You'll love the circus, the lions and bears!  
I know we will have fun being free from any cares!

Zim: Leave me alone, I want none of your 'fun'!  
Listen closely. Don't pester me; your work here is done!

_Zim slams down the phone. Keef's spotlight fades._

Zim, speaking: Gir!

_Gir, in his 'serious mode' comes on stage._

Gir, speaking: Yes, sir!  
Zim, speaking: I'll be in the lab. Do NOT let anyone in the house!  
Gir, speaking: Yes, my master!

_Zim goes offstage._

**Gir Meets Keef**  
Gir: I must keep watch, and in addition  
I'll guard the house, this is my mission!

No one shall pass, at least while I'm here!  
And those who try have reason to fear.

I'll stay on guard, until the threat's gone.

_The doorbell rings (like the phone, it's more melodic than a real doorbell). Gir reverts to his normal mode._

Oooh, I'll bet that is a leprechaun!

_Gir gets his dog suit from behind the sofa and then puts it on. He opens the door and finds Keef._

Keef: I bet you're Gir, I've heard about you!  
Poor Zim seems sad, and I worry. Do

You know  
Why Zim's  
Been so  
Sad lately?

_Gir shakes his head._

Well, I can never let my friend down  
I'll stay here until he doesn't frown!

For I,  
His friend,  
Will try  
To help him greatly!

Keef, speaking: I know what will cheer him up! We can make waffles! Everybody likes waffles!

Gir, speaking: Whoo!

_Blackout._

* * *

_Scene II: Zim's House, The Next Morning_

_Keef is making breakfast while Gir is eating._

**Everybody Likes To Eat A Waffle**  
Keef: I know just what will bring our Zim  
Out of his deep depression

For every human it's quite sim-  
-ple once you've made inspection

Everyone on the planet Earth  
Will aggree to waffles' worth!

For...  
Everybody likes to eat a waffle!  
There's not one who would say that it's awful!  
And I know it will bring cheer  
To my buddy Zim, it's clear...

For nobody could resist a waffle!  
Not one would ever prefer falafel!  
And once Zim has had a few,  
He will feel better too!

Whether they're regular or bluberry  
Chocolate chip, whole grain, or cherry,  
Waffles will snap Zim out of  
His unfortunate bout of  
... Depression!

For everybody likes waffles, they're the cure for feelings awful!  
And Zim will feel so much better once his stomach feels full!

_Zim comes onstage and is shocked to see Keef._

Zim, speaking: Get out of my house!  
Keef, speaking: You don't like waffles?  
Zim, speaking: Out!

_Zim pushes Keef, who is still holding a plate of waffles, out to the front door._

Keef, speaking: We can walk to school together!  
Zim, speaking: I'm sick. I'm not going to school today.

_Zim slams the door. Gir goes out and eats the waffles._

**Poor Sick Zim**  
Keef: Poor sick Zim!  
So that's what's wrong with him.  
I wondered why he looked so sad.

Wait, I know!  
If I can somehow show  
My friendship, he will soon be glad!

Now Gir, I must  
Be quite able to trust  
That you won't breathe a word to Zim

He can't catch wise  
If I want to surprise  
My friend with a party for him!

A party for Zim, oh boy! Won't it be great!?  
He will be better before it's too late!  
We'll have cake and some ice cream; it will be sweet!  
I'll bring all the kids to make it complete!

A party to end all, a party that's swell!  
Just so that my best friend will soon be well!  
He will be so happy to see everyone  
Here on his doorstep prepared to have fun!

Keef, speaking: I'll see you after skool, Gir! Make sure not to let Zim find out!

_Keef goes offstage and Gir skips back into the house humming the previous song._

**The Surprise Revealed**  
Zim: Gir, what are you humming?  
Are you planning something?  
That tune is mind-numbing!  
Gir: Uh, it's really nothing!

Zim: Nothing... or something?

_Zim pauses._

But what could it be...?  
It has to be nothing!

_Gir breaks down._

Gir: You're too smart for me!

Keef wants to bring cheer,  
And to bring you lots of glee,  
He is bringing lots of kids here  
For an after-school party!

That boy loves you so much!  
He truly wants to make  
It special, and as such,  
I'm baking the cake!

Zim: Kids? Here? That cannot be?  
We're in danger if that's true!  
The mission's in danger, can't you see?!  
Didn't that occur to you?

Gir, speaking: Yes. Wait a minute... no.

_A heavy spotlight falls on Zim, and the rest of the stage becomes dark. A dramatic ballad begins to play._

**Zim's Scheme** (http://www.broadwaymidi.com/down/LM-OnMyOwn02.mid - skip first 3 verses)  
Clearly something must be done  
Or enemies  
Will quickly show up.

Before this 'party' is begun  
I'll make a feas-  
-able plan just to stop...

This Keef-person's party.  
With my scheme it shall not be...

I'll invent  
A device to get rid of Keef  
Of a bent  
That will soon cause him to leave

I'll replace  
His eyes mechanically  
And when he sees  
Some creature, he's  
Certain to think that it's me!

And then Keef  
Will follow some poor creature!  
What relief;  
I will not have that leech here!

Victory  
Is imminent; I'll show it!  
Keef will be gone  
And I'll be done  
With friendship, I just know it!

And he'll know  
That he should not have messed  
With the wonderful abilities of Zim!

He will go;  
No longer be my guest  
And I'll no longer deal with him.

His doom is  
Only a matter of time  
I'll lose his  
Company; how sublime!

I know that  
With my very brilliant scheme  
I will not deal  
With friendship spiel  
It will just be a bad dream!

Keef's doom...  
Keef's doom...  
Will come this afternoon!

_Blackout._

* * *

_Scene III: Zim's House and the Immediate Surroundings, That Afternoon_

_A spotlight comes up on Keef and the loser kids, who are on a street near Zim's house. A brisk tune plays._

**It's Time To Party**  
Keef: There may not be too many here  
But our spirit will make up  
For the lack of many a peer  
And Zim's spirit we'll shake up!

For it's time, it's time to party!  
I know Zim will be happy  
When he  
Does see  
The panoply  
Of kids at his front door!

Yes, we will, we'll party hearty!  
Melvin: But do they cause any pain?  
Or strain?  
Will I remain  
Somewhat sane?

_Gretchen shrugs._

Gretchen: I've not seen one before.

Keef: Come on guys, it's fun to party!  
We'll dance and play games and eat  
Each sweet  
And treat  
That's replete  
With sugar; much fun's at stake!

_The spotlight fades, and another one comes up on Gir, who is dancing in the kitchen. _

Gir: Whoo! The party's almost... startied!  
I'll have lots of fun with Pig!  
Dance a jig  
In a wig!  
With a... fig!  
I'm also making the cake!

_Gir gets ingredients out as the musical theme changes._

I will make the perfect cake!  
For the party's sake I'll bake  
A dessert so good and yummy  
When it's placed inside my tummy!

I know what would make it sweet!  
I'll add a pound of taco meat!  
And it would never be complete  
Until I add a pound of wheat!

This cake will just be so yummy  
When it's placed inside my tummy!

Then I'll add a quart of honey  
And cheese, just 'cause cheese is so funny  
I'll choose a type that's French and runny  
And some carrots just for bunny!

This cake will just be so yummy  
When it's placed inside my tummy!

I'll add some taquitos too  
They improve anything, it's true.  
After I add a bit of stew,  
I'll then mix it all up with glue!

This cake will just be so yummy  
When it's placed inside my tummy!

_As the music changes, Gir's spotlight fades and a spotlight comes up on Zim, who is working in his lab. He looks at a digital clock nearby._

Zim: No time to spare  
I'm very well aware  
That I must finish my invention soon.

I know that they're  
Nearly at my lair  
To finish up would be the greatest boon!

I will soon put to an end  
This sad charade of 'bestest friend'  
And I will no longer need to pretend...

That I enjoy to play all day  
And I'll no longer need to say  
"Gee, buddy, we are friends to stay"  
Soon, all of this will go away!

I soon will be alone, and then  
My mission I'll work on again  
How wonderful it will be when  
I've rid myself of my 'best friend'!

_Zim grabs a package._

Ah, ha! My invention's now done!  
I know it will be quite fun  
To rid myself of that pesky one  
Before the setting of the sun!

_Zim leaves the lab and goes towards the living room._  


In minutes, foolish Keef will be  
A footnote in my mission's history!

_The whole stage becomes lit up. Keef and the dorky kids begin to dance toward the door._

Keef: Now it's truly time to party!  
Zim: Keef will soon wish that he had tried  
Gir: I should add some cinnamon  
Keef: I know that we will have a blast  
It'll go fast  
Zim: To have listened and complied  
Keef: 'Till at last  
Gir: And then I can really begin  
Keef: The time's passed!  
Zim: Instead of trying to confide  
Gir: By adding just a bit of gin-  
Keef: But we'll still have the memory.  
Zim: And I'll be most satisfied  
Gir: -ger; yes I'll put that in!

All: It's that special time: the party!  
Now it's time to see what fate  
Will create  
I'll wait  
At any rate  
And soon we will quite plainly see!

_Keef and the kids are now outside Zim's door._

Keef, speaking: I'll go get Zim. Make sure to yell 'surprise' when he comes out!

_Keef opens the door and comes into the living room, where he sees Zim holding the package._

**Keef's Diary (Reprise)**  
Zim: Keef, come, I've a surprise  
A gift more precious than those money buys  
One made by me.

Keef: Wow, Zim, you are the best!  
That gift should be great, and I must request...  
Please let me see!

Gosh, I cannot wait to see  
What my friend has in store for me!  
Oh, what on Earth will it be?

_Keef opens the present and the two claws become visible. The curtain drops and the music abruptly changes as the kid chorus dances on stage._

**Unfortuately Necessary (Reprise)**  
Kids: Now that this episode's a play  
A camera can't just pan away  
So we're unfortunately  
Necessary!

So, while poor Keef's eyes are replaced,  
By laws of decency and taste  
We are unfortunately  
Necessary!

Try to imagine the horror  
That Keef will quickly have in store  
While we distract  
Sara: Unfortunately distract...  
Kids: So, time to get back on track!  
Sara: Necessary to get back on track...  
Kids: Back to the act!

_The kids tap dance off the stage and the curtain rises. Keef, with his new eyes in, looks hypnotized. Zim, looking pleased with himself, goes behind the sofa and begins singing._

**The Trance**  
Zim: Keef, listen to me, listen carefully.  
The next thing you see, believe to be me!  
Zim, speaking: Now awake!

_Zim snaps his fingers and Keep wakes up. he looks a bit disoriented until he sees a squirrel outside._

Keef: Zim, are you there? You look a bit scared.  
You should be aware, I've got something prepared!  
Keef, speaking: Don't go!

_Keef runs outside to the other kids. He points to the squirrel-Zim._

**Best Friends Forever (Reprise)**  
Keef: Guys, it's him!  
This is my best friend Zim!  
Zim, it's time to party 'till we drop!

Kids: What a waste!  
We should just leave this place.

_The kids walk off stage._

Keef: Zim, where are you going? You should stop!

_Keef chases the squirrel-Zim offstage._

Keef, offstage: Zim, you're the best, you're so funny and clever  
And I'm your friend; I'll be the best friend ever!  
You may ask if our friendship we'll sever,  
But we could never... we're...

_There's a loud, short burst of music followed by silence. A spotlight goes on Zim._  


**Invaders Need No One**  
Zim: Foolish Earth boy,  
Invaders need no one!  
I find no joy  
In any companion!

An Earthling best friend  
Is no more than a pain  
'Twas fated to end  
In this way; I'll explain...

Irken invaders are never so weak  
To allow for such pitiful feeling!  
We focus on providing futures bleak  
To those planets who will soon be kneeling  
Before the mighty wrath of Irk!

None of this 'friendship', for doom is our trade.  
We live  
Not to give  
But to conquer and raid!  
And I know for a fact it will not be displayed  
That we live to do anything but to invade!

You think we need 'love', but that is a lie.  
We need  
To succeed  
Let the enemy die!  
I don't want his friendship, he should not even try  
I'd much rather reign doom upon the Earth and sky!

_The kid chorus comes out and dances behind Zim during the subsequent verses._

All: All those who think otherwise should be warned  
That Irk-  
-ens love work  
Everything else is scorned!  
None should even attempt once this play is adjorned  
To find Zim a friend, unless you want the friend mourned!

_The entire cast comes out._

For...

You would be way off base  
For it is not your place  
To try and find Zim a new guest!

Invaders need no one!  
Once all is said and done  
Their one passion is for conquest!

_Cast bows, and curtain falls._

* * *

**THE END**  
'Bestest Friends - The MUSICAL!' is sponsored in part by Wacky Wally's Waffle Irons. Buy yours today!

* * *


	3. Game Slave 2, Act I

Game Slave 2: The MUSICAL! (Act 1)

* * *

_Scene I: Vampire Piggy Hunter_

_A black curtain is drawn in front of the stage. As a dramatic theme plays on the organ, fog slowly covers the stage. The Vampire Piggy Hunter steps out of the fog and strikes a dramatic pose._

**Vampire Piggy Hunter** (http://www.broadwaymidi.com/down/POTO-PhantomOfTheOpera02.mid)  
VPH: From lands remote I came  
And I shall not  
Leave 'til I snuff the flame  
Evil has wrought.

For this shall be my task  
My sworn duty!  
Vampire Piggy Hunter is my name...  
I hunt vampire piggies!

And every porcine beast  
Each hog and sow  
Shall quite soon be deceased  
That is my vow!

And I will hunt until  
My victory!  
Vampire Piggy Hunter is my name...  
I hunt vampire piggies!

Ghostly Offstage Voices: It's him, Vampire Piggy Hunter!  
It's him, Vampire Piggy Hunter!

_Vampire piggies come through the aisles on either side of the stage and dance towards VPH._

VPH: I'll fight the piggy threat  
Piggies: Oink oink!  
VPH: 'Til it decays.  
Piggies: Oink... oink oink!  
VPH: Each pig will soon regret  
Piggies: Oink oink!  
VPH: His evil ways!  
Piggies: Oink... oink oink!

VPH: The pigs will wish that they  
Piggies: Oink...  
VPH: Had not crossed me!  
Piggies: Oink oink... oink!  
VPH: Vampire Piggy Hunter is my name...  
Piggies: Oink oink oink!  
VPH: I hunt vampire piggies!

_VPH and the piggies engage each other in fierce choreographed battle._

VPH: You creatures should go back  
Piggies: Oink oink!  
VPH: From whence you came  
Piggies: Oink... oink oink!  
VPH: I am sworn to attack  
Piggies: Oink oink!  
VPH: And I will maim  
Piggies: Oink... oink oink!

VPH: Each piggy 'till I reach  
Piggies: Oink...  
VPH: My destiny!  
Piggies: Oink oink... oink!  
VPH: Vampire Piggy Hunter is my name...  
Piggies: Oink oink oink!  
VPH: I hunt vampire piggies!

'Tis I, Vampire Piggy Hunter!  
'Tis I, Vampire Piggy Hunter!

_VPH sings a series of high notes as the piggies overcome him. Above the scene, a neon sign flashes the words 'Game Over' a few times. There is a blackout._

* * *

_Scene II: The Membrane Household_

_The curtain rises to reveal the Membrane living room. Both Dib and Gaz are on the couch in front of the TV; the audience can only see the back of the TV. Gaz is looking at her Game Slave angrily, while Dib is reading 'Crazy Spooky' magazine._

Gaz, speaking: Stupid blood pig! I almost beat that level!

_She glares at Dib._

Gaz, speaking: And I probably _would_ have if you didn't turn the TV on...

Dib, speaking: But Mysterious Mysteries is on in five minutes!

**Game Slave Two**  
Announcer Voice: Do you like vampire piggies?

_Gaz's eyes become wide and she intently watches the screen._

Gaz: Yes, I like vampire piggies!  
AV: Then I have some wonderful news for you!

They're back! The game can now be played  
On the best system ever made!  
On the amazing, fantastic, Game Slave Two!

It's the amazing, fantastic Game Slave Two!  
If you don't have one, what is wrong with you?  
How can you have any fun  
Making do with Game Slave One?  
Go out right now and buy the Game Slave Two!

Buy the amazing, fantastic Game Slave Two!  
If you're a gamer and don't own one, you are through!  
You must buy one for yourself.  
Go and pick one off the shelf__!  
You'll be glad that you bought the Game Slave Two!

_There's an orchestral flourish as Gaz gets off the couch and throws her Game Slave offstage. A spotlight shines on her. Gaz is still in a somewhat trancelike state. _

Gaz: I must have the great, fantastic Game Slave Two!  
I'm sure I will not rest until I do.  
And so, to the mall I'll run  
Before selling has begun  
To ensure that I get a Game Slave Two!

Nothing can stop me from buying Game Slave Two!  
And so, before long, I will get my due.  
By the rising of the sun  
I'll be having lots of fun  
Playing with my fantastic Game Slave Two!

_The spotlight fades. Gaz takes a bat and starts walking offstage. Professor Membrane enters._

Prof. M, speaking: Where do you think you're going?

Gaz, speaking: To the mall. Game Slave 2 goes on sale at midnight. I need one.

Prof. M, speaking: Oh. Okay then, have fun. Just one thing. Take your brother with you.

Gaz, speaking: What?!

**Go With Your Brother**  
Prof. M: The mall is fraught with dangers,  
And children need a friend  
To ward off creeps and strangers  
And on whom they'll depend.

I'd come with you if I could,  
But I'm too busy to.  
But I'm sure your brother would  
Go accompany you.

Go with him, and not with any other...  
Go to the mall with Dib, your brother!

Gaz: I think I can handle it;  
That's why I have the bat!

_Membrane takes the bat from Gaz._

Prof. M: No! It would not benefit  
You if you carried that.

Gaz, speaking: Aww...

Prof. M: There is but one thing to do.  
Daughter, listen to me:  
Your brother must go with you;  
And that is my decree!

Go with him, and not with any other...  
Go to the mall with Dib, your brother!

Gaz: Fine, then. Dib, it's time to go;  
I do not want to wait!  
If you're going to be slow,  
I know you'll rue your fate!

If we must go together,  
You had better hurry!  
'Cause otherwise I'll never  
Let you forget, you'll see!

So you'd better hurry up, my brother...  
For otherwise you won't recover!

Dib, speaking: Don't I have any say in this? A new Mysterious Mysteries is on! She can wait to get her stupid game!

Prof. M, speaking: Stupid game? Son, don't ever say that video games are stupid!

**Video Games**  
Prof. M: In all my years of learning,  
(And that's an awful lot)  
I've found myself returning  
To this specific thought:

One can use video games  
To achieve lots that's great!  
For some of these machines' aims  
One ought to contemplate...

For...  
Video games, it's true, have quite a multitude of uses,  
They help your coordination! Plus, if anyone confuses  
A gold star for an explosive, video games will set them right!  
By practicing, they'll know to pick up stars and avoid dynamite!  
They'll teach you how to throw barrels at unsuspecting enemies  
And that, when you can throw fire, your rival almost always flees.

When you consider all the skills that video gaming brings,  
You'll know that games can help make kids into better human beings!

They also teach kids all about assorted magical spells  
Kids know magic that's offensive from the type that merely dispels  
They know that dinosaurs are friendly only if they're really cute  
And to collect gold coins because it's always useful to have loot.  
They can travel the Oregon Trail, or at leat shoot buffalo  
Using video games there is no limit to what they might know!

When you consider all the skills that video gaming brings,  
You'll know that games can help make kids into better human beings!

Dib, speaking: Okay... I'll go, but only after this show is over.

_Membrane walks offstage, and the Mysterious Mysteries theme tune begins to play. Dib hums along._

**Mysterious Mysteries**  
Announcer Voice and Dib: Do you wonder about what lurks beyond?  
Of Bigfoot, aliens, and werewolves are you fond?  
We're here to feed your curiosities!  
Welcome to... Mysterious Mysteries!

We find each clue, each alien baby  
And answer questions with a resounding 'maybe'.  
We aren't afraid of mutant zombies,  
Because we're... Mysterious Mysteries!

Some shows deny  
That there can be fly-  
-ing saucers around...

They just explain  
Things that are mundane.  
Their feet on the ground...

We're not afraid to expose the whole truth!  
And we'll go from Delhi to Duluth  
To examine paranormal possibilities,  
Now watch... Mysterious Mysteries!

Announcer Voice, speaking: Tonight, we examine the banshees of Ireland...

Dib speaking: Ooooh...

Gaz, speaking: You stink!

_Blackout._

* * *

_Scene III: The Mall_

_There is a long line of kids leading up to the GS 2 sales counter, which is high up on a platform. Next to the platform is a rope which leads offstage._

**Game Slave Two (Reprise)**  
Kids, reverently: We must get the fantastic Game Slave Two!  
Game Slave Two!  
If we can't get our own, we'll be through!  
We'll be through!  
Kid: I must have one for myself.  
Please give me one off the shelf__!  
Kids: For we can't survive without the Game Slave Two!  
Game Slave Two!

_The tune continues to play and the kids gently hum the chorus as Gaz and Dib come onstage._

Dib, speaking: Eheh, look at all the kids...

_Gaz gets very angry._

Dib, speaking: It was a... really good episode...

Gaz, speaking: Hey, Dib. I think I saw a Chupacabra or something going into that parking garage.

_Gaz gets in line and Dib begins to walk offstage._

Dib, speaking: That's odd. There isn't a goat to feed on for miles...

_A clerk, followed by a muscular man, appears and waves to the crowd._

Clerk: If you want to get a Game Slave Two,  
You'll wait in line and I'll sell it to you.  
And then you'll leave quickly  
As soon as you've paid your fee!  
So step up and buy your Game Slave Two!

_The clerk gives a GS 2 to the first kid, who does a quick dance before the muscular man attaches him to the rope and he slides offstage. Once he is offstage, there is a loud burst of percussive music and smoke comes from the side of the stage where the kid was last seen. Iggins comes on stage and gets in line behind Gaz._

Iggins, speaking: Hey, is this the line for the GS 2?

Gaz, speaking: Yes.... 

Iggins, speaking: Cool! What's your name?

Gaz, speaking: Gaz...

Iggins, speaking: That's a funny name. Oh, I'm Iggins, by the way. I'll bet you've heard about me!

Gaz, speaking: Uh, no...

Iggins, speaking: You haven't?! Well...

_A spotlight forms on the two. Note that the line moves throughout the song until they get to the counter at the end._

**I've Just Gotta Be Iggins**  
Iggins: Iggins, I'm Iggins!  
The best gamer 'round here!  
I can beat anyone at games;  
I'm gamer of the year!

I already beat the vampire piggies on my Game Slave Two,  
But I must get the US version, for there's more to do...  
Because a new zombie hog level has been added to the game,  
And I will beat it swiftly, or Iggins is not my name...

Let me reframe:

I've just gotta be Iggins,  
I've just gotta be me!  
For if I were not Iggins,  
Who on Earth would I be?

I will always be Iggins,  
Of that fact I'm aware.  
And I'm glad to be Iggins,  
Gamer extraordinaire!

I am the true master of video gaming reality;  
I'll find more secret bonus levels than anybody.  
I complete video games quickly and with many lives to spare  
I'm so much better than challengers, it's not even fair!

But I don't care!

I've just gotta be Iggins,  
I've just gotta be me!  
For if I were not Iggins,  
Who on Earth would I be?

I will always be Iggins,  
Of that fact I'm aware.  
And I'm glad to be Iggins,  
Gamer extraordinaire!

If people cannot win a game, I will still beat the final boss  
And I'll naturally be pleased by the audience applause  
But, when I win, I will nonetheless be a tiny bit queasy,  
Because, you know, that final boss was just way too easy!

Know why it's breezy?

'Cause I've just gotta be Iggins,  
I've just gotta be me!  
For if I were not Iggins,  
Who on Earth would I be?

I will always be Iggins,  
Of that fact I'm aware.  
And I'm glad to be Iggins,  
Gamer extraordinaire!

_The spotlight fades. Gaz and Iggins are right by the counter._

Clerk, speaking: Next!

Gaz, speaking: Finally.

**The Last Game Slave**  
Clerk: Uh, none are left;  
Of Game Slaves we're...

_The clerk gets out a dictionary._

...bereft!  
You'll have to come back in a month, young miss.

Gaz: It's just not fair!  
Are you even aware...  
I had to sit through Dib's dumb show for this?!

You've got to look; there must be one!  
You will regret it if there's none!  
For I am due to have my fun!  
Please find one for me!

Clerk: Uh... look! I've found  
Just one laying around.  
It's been pre-ordered, but there's been no claim.

Clarence Wong must  
Come soon; if not, I trust  
That you will be the owner of the game.

Iggins: I'm Clarence! Give me the Game Slave!  
The zombie hog level I crave!  
I'll send each piggy to his grave!  
I am so happy!

_Iggins pays and skips down the stairs. Gaz follows him._

Gaz, speaking: You're no Clarence Wong. You stole my Game Slave. That one is rightfully mine! I'll buy it from you, but there's no way you're keeping it.

Iggins, speaking: It's mine! I saw an opening and I went for it. That's why I'm the superior gamer!

**I've Just Gotta Be Iggins (Reprise)**  
Iggins: I made my move, and that's why I deserve to have the Game Slave Two,  
And like a true gamer, I always get what I pursue.  
That's how the cookie crumbles; you'll just have to wait to get your own,  
Don't be so shocked that I have won. You really should have known.

Don't ask me to atone!

For I've just gotta be Iggins,  
I've just gotta be me!  
For if I were not Iggins,  
Who on Earth would I be?

I will always be Iggins,  
Of that...

Gaz, speaking: Shut up! You will regret invoking my wrath.

Iggins, speaking: You know, you need help.

_Iggins skips offstage and a spotlight goes on Gaz._

**I'll Have My Revenge**  
You stole what was mine  
But I will not pine  
My own course will be far more effective.

Since you've crossed the line,  
Vengeance will be mine!  
You messed with me, and I cannot forgive...

You've made a mockery of what is right,  
So I'll reverse this awful slight,  
And by the end of the night,  
I'll have my revenge!

You will be sorry for what you have done,  
But you cannot stop what you have begun!  
Go, play my Game Slave, you can have your fun,  
I'll have my revenge!

How could you cross me? How could you take it?  
That Game Slave should have gone to me!

Soon, you'll be sorry, and soon you'll admit  
Your wrongdoing; you'll give an apology!

For you see...

You'll learn Gaz is not one to be messed with,  
You will soon learn not to take my things if  
You can't handle it when I scare you stiff.  
I'll... have... my... re... venge!

_Curtain falls._

* * *

**INTERMISSION**  
Please buy our Vampire Piggy Hunter brand pork chops - now on sale in the lobby!

* * *


	4. Game Slave 2, Act II

Game Slave 2: The MUSICAL! (Act 2)

* * *

_Scene I: The Parking Garage_

_Dib is walking through what appears to be an empty parking garage._

Dib, speaking: There's no Chupacabras in here! Gaz should leave the paranormal sightings to the experts. Now, where's the exit? Man, this place is bigger than I thought.

**Lost**  
Dib: Where have I gotten to?  
What on Earth shall I do?  
Perhaps I can escape if I am clever...

But I have lost my way...  
I might not get out today,  
For this garage seems to last forever...

Lost! I am lost!  
And I don't know how to get home...  
Destiny's tossed  
Me here; I am consigned to roam!

Oh tragic fate!  
How could such things happen to me?  
Is it too late  
To change your terrible decree?

No longer will  
I work to stop the evil Zim.  
I'll miss the thrill  
Of saving the Earth from his whim.

My life had seemed so purposeful  
Before I came in here  
Now things are not so blissful  
And nothing is as clear  
As it was...  
Just because...

I have been lost!  
No one will e'er again see me!  
Fate, I accost  
You; find some way to set me free!

_The rat people slowly begin to creep out from all corners of the stage. As the song progresses, they move towards Dib._

**We're a Cross Between People and Rats** (http://www.broadwaymidi.com/down/Cats-JellicleSongsForJellicleCats04.mid)  
Rat Person 1: Can you not find your car?  
RP 2: Have you lost your 'ol dad?  
RP 3: Or did you lose your way searching for section G?

RP 1: Well, we're really quite sor-  
-ry, we hope you're not mad...  
But you'll stay here forever; it happened to me!

_The rat people start doing a weird dance._

Rat People: Because we once got lost in this garage too!  
And soon we had become lost for good!  
Before long we were not quite human.  
We just know it will happen to you!

RP 4: There's no door where we are,  
And I doubt that this calms,  
But you should know that you won't escape anyways.

RP 5: Soon you'll eat from the gar-  
-bage without any qualms.  
RP 6: You will be one of us in a matter of days!

Rat People: Because we once got lost in this garage too!  
And soon we had become lost for good!  
Before long we were not quite human.  
We just know it will happen to you!

We just know it will happen to you!

Dib: Come on, this is silly;  
It just doesn't make sense!  
Getting lost could not possibly do this to you.

It won't happen to me!  
Well, I mean no offense,  
But there is just no way what you say is true!

RP 1: You'll find out soon enough,  
So we won't try to sway  
Your opinion; But know that you'll soon join our clan!

RP 2: I thought this was a bluff  
'Til I heard someone say  
That they thought I was female; I once was a man!

Rat People: We're a cross between people and rats!  
Yes, a cross between people and rats!  
We're a cross between people and rats!  
Yes, a cross between people and rats!  
We're a cross between people and rats!

RP 3: We can root through a trash  
Can to find our next meal,  
And we scuttle whenever a car passes by!

RP 4: But try not to be rash;  
This life has its appeal!  
RP 5 & 6: We know that you will love it; just give it a try!

Rat People: We just know it will happen to you!  
We just know it will happen to you!  
We just know it will happen to you!  
We just know it will happen to you!

We're a cross between people and rats!  
Yes, a cross between people and rats!  
We're a cross between people and rats!  
Yes, a cross between people and rats!

_The rat people finish their dance with a showy pose._

Dib, speaking: Uh... I think I see the exit over there! See ya!

_Dib runs offstage. Blackout._

* * *

_Scene II: Iggins' Room_

_Iggins is sitting on his bed playing on the Game Slave. His room has a poster of the Vampire Piggy Hunter and there is an open window near the bed. On one side of the stage, there is a small set to represent the closet._

**Zombie Hogs, Here I Come**  
Iggins: This game is even easier than I recall  
I really ought to give my back a pat.  
And, barring a strange and unexpected pitfall,  
I'll reach the zombie hogs in no time flat!

Soon, I can rightly say I am the piggy king!  
I'll have won every level in the game.  
And do you want to know what's the very best thing?  
I will be in the piggy hall of fame!

Gamers worldwide will know my name!  
Life will never be the same...  
When I see the zombie hogs!

Oh...  
Zombie hogs, here I come!  
I'll get you, and you'll soon become  
Bacon by the time that I am through!

Just try to make your kill;  
You'll be no match for Iggins' skill!  
You will just end up as piggy stew!

I can't wait; I know I'll revel  
In the new zombie hog level!

Zombie hogs, here I come!  
I know I'll beat you piggy scum  
And be champ of all reality!

I'll beat them in a jiff  
Until each pig's a piggy stiff,  
Showing proof of my ability!

I'll beat each pig beast and devil  
On the new zombie hog level!

Zombie hogs, here I come!  
I'll win lots of points, and then some!  
I can't wait, for I am almost there!

Just one level to win,  
Then the new level will begin!  
You zombie hogs had better beware!

I know I will...

_The music stops abruptly as the light goes out._

Iggins, speaking: Hello? What's going on?

_The light comes on again. The Vampire Piggy Hunter poster has been replaced with one that says 'The Game is Mine'._

Iggins, speaking: The gam-e is mine. 

_Iggins turns around. Lightning flashes and Gaz appears at the window. Iggins screams._

Iggins, speaking: Wait, how did you write that if you're out-

_Lightning flashes again and Gaz has disappeared._

**I'll Have My Revenge (Reprise)**  
Gaz's voice, coming from stage right: How could you cross me? How could you take it?  
That Game Slave should have gone to me!

_Iggins inches away from the voice, toward stage left._

Gaz's voice, stage left: Soon, you'll be sorry, and soon you'll admit  
Your wrongdoing; you'll give an apology!

_Iggins goes toward stage right, ending up at around center stage._

For you see...

Gaz's voice, center stage: You'll learn Gaz is not one to be messed with,  
You will soon learn not to take my things if  
You can't handle it when I scare you stiff.  
I'll have my revenge!

_Iggins screams and runs in the closet. The lights go off for a moment; a spotlight comes up on Iggins, who is in the closet set._

**The Game Plan**  
I'll be safe here!  
Free from all fear,  
I'll play the game 'til it is saved!

Then I'll hide it  
'Til I've decided  
The scary girl's resolve has caved.

That's my game plan, I'll see through it.  
I'll win if I just stick to it!

_The Game Slave beeps melodically._

Batteries low?  
This is a blow!  
I need more to reach the save place.

I'll get more  
From my secret stor-  
-age; I know that I'll win with grace!

That's my game plan, I'll see through it.  
I'll win if I just stick to it!

_The spotlight on the closet set goes out, and the light comes on in the main stage. Iggins comes through the closet door, and sees Gaz, holding a bag with all the batteries._

Gaz, speaking: Looking for these?

Iggins, speaking: I need those! Save point... so close...

Gaz, speaking: What you need is to give the Game Slave to me or I will plunge you into a nightmare world from which there is no waking!

Iggins, speaking: But... I'm a better gamer than you!

**I Hope You Like Nightmare Worlds**  
Gaz: You've made your last mistake  
By choosing to forsake  
The path of honesty one final time

I'll have my Game Slave back!  
I tried to give you slack  
But you just refused to listen; so I'm...

Going to show you a nightmare world!  
Spooky Offstage Voices: Nightmare world!  
Gaz: And as my revenge is now unfurled  
SOV: Nightmare world!  
Gaz: You'll rue the day  
That you didn't let me play.  
And you will pay!  
With a life in a nightmare world!  
Yes, a life in a nightmare world!

Say your farewells to a happy life!  
SOV: Happy life!  
Gaz: Say hello to neverending strife!  
SOV: Lots of strife!  
Gaz: And because you  
Won't give me _my_ Game Slave Two  
I'll torture you  
With a life in a nightmare world!  
Yes, a life in a nightmare world!

Iggins: You're completely crazy!  
A true mental case! See  
Here; you need some help, you're really cuckoo!

Gaz: You pathetic moron!  
I will get it; for on  
Your soul I'll get what should be mine from you!

So now I'll show you a nightmare world!  
SOV: Nightmare world!  
Gaz: And as my revenge is now unfurled  
SOV: Nightmare world!  
Gaz: You'll rue the day  
That you didn't let me play.  
And you will pay!  
So I hope you like nightmare worlds!  
Yes, I hope you like nightmare worlds!

_Gaz throws the batteries out the window; There is what appears to be an explosion. As Iggins screams in horror, there is a blackout._

* * *

_Scene III: The Tower_

_There are two sets; a larger one to represent the various interiors of the building, and a smaller one for the elevator. On one side of the stage, there's a mock-up for the exterior of the tower, complete with a tiny movable elevator. Iggins, soaking from the rain, runs up to the clerk on the main set._

**I Must Have**  
Iggins: Won't you hurry!  
Get some batteries for me!  
I'm desperate; can't you see!

I must have some batteries!  
I must have them now!  
Will you give them to me, please?  
I need them, and how!

Batteries are my request;  
Just give them to me!  
Without them, I'll know no rest  
So I'll pay any fee!

Clerk, speaking: Batteries? Fiftieth floor...

_Iggins runs over to the elevator; spotlights are on the elevator and the mock-up. On the mock-up, the elevator is uncontrollably going up and down._

Iggins: What's happening?  
Why can't I control this thing?  
I'm getting a bad feeling...

_The elevator on the mock-up stops briefly and Gaz gets on the elevator._

Iggins, speaking: You again?

Gaz: I must have vampire piggies!  
I must have them now!  
If you want torture to cease  
To me you'll kow tow!

Give me the vampire piggies!  
Iggins: I will get my batteries!  
Gaz: Just give them to me!  
Iggins: And then you will see...  
Gaz: There are possibilities  
Iggins: Once I get them, I'll be pleased.  
Gaz: Of torture if you act stubbornly!  
Iggins: You'll no longer hold power over me!

_Gaz punches the control panel and the elevator on the mock-up goes out of control._

Iggins: Fine! I'll atone!  
Now, please, will you disown  
This revenge? Leave me alone!

_Gaz takes the Game Slave. The elevator stops on the fiftieth floor and Gaz steps out. As Gaz leaves the elevator, a third spotlight follows her. A slow, almost hymnlike, tune begins to play._

**Order Has Been Restored** (ftp://ftp.snowcrest.net/pub/users/lassen/all_glory_laud_and_honor.mid)  
Gaz: I have received what is mine;  
Order has been restored.  
I'll hunt the vampire swine  
And no longer be bored.

The wrong has been vindicated  
And I hath set things right  
Twixt me and Iggins; 'Twas fated  
That he'd repay his slight.

Iggins should have known better  
Than be mine enemy.  
He stole and was my debtor  
And endured misery

This could not ever be mended  
Lest I got my game back  
And his wickedness had ended.  
Things are at last on track.

Now that I have my Game Slave  
The planet can resume  
Its ordinary behave-  
-ior; I cast off its gloom.

I play my game with gratitude.  
So of my own accord  
I lift my vengeful attitude.  
Order has been restored.  


**I Will Always Be A Better Gamer  
**Iggins: Play all you want!  
I will always be a better gamer!  
You'll never flaunt  
Your video game skills to acclaim or  
Be a gamer half as good as me!

Go on and try!  
I will always be better than you are!  
You'll never vie  
For my position; you'll remain sub-par  
While I'm making gaming history!

I'll always be the best gamer around  
My skills will remain great and profound  
Think of this and you will be bound  
To see...  
You'll never be a better gamer than me!

My skills will always put me on top!  
But even if you play and never stop,  
As a gamer you'll still be a bit of a flop.  
You see...  
You'll never be a better...

_Before Iggins finishes the verse, the elevator is engulfed in smoke and the elevator in the mock-up plummets to the ground. There is a brief blast of percussive music from the orchestra. Gaz goes back to her Game Slave. Blackout._

* * *

_Scene IV: Outside the Tower_

_In the center of the stage are the remains of the elevator. Dib walks onstage._

**Lost (Reprise)  
**Dib: Finally, I'm free!  
I'm able to go home once more!  
But I can't see  
Why I am in this scene. Wherefore?

Oh, well. I'll sing  
Until things are a bit more clear.  
While I'm dawdling  
Someone else might come over here!

Uh, la, la la...  
La de da, shooby do wop wop!  
La la de da,  
And a la la...

_Before Dib can finish, Iggins jumps out of the wreckage, unharmed._

Dib, speaking: Uh, hi. Who are you?

Iggins, speaking: Well...

_Iggins begins to do a stereotypically Broadway dance._

**I've Just Gotta Be Iggins (Reprise)**  
Iggins: I've just gotta be Iggins,  
I've just gotta be me!  
For if I were not Iggins,  
Who on Earth would I be?

I will always be Iggins,  
Of that fact I'm aware.  
And I'm glad to be Iggins,  
Gamer extraordinaire!

Like all of the best gamers, I have a ready store of spare lives;  
In all situations, it's a cinch that Iggins survives!  
I am so awesome that I can never be hurt by Death's designs!  
Whatever the danger is, my life force never declines!

I'm always fine!

_The whole cast dances behind Iggins, and a neon sign that says 'Iggins!' comes down._

All: He's just gotta be Iggins,  
He's just gotta be he!  
He'll be lovable Iggins,  
For all eternity!

Some folks might not like Iggins,  
But we really don't care!  
For we're glad that he's Iggins,  
Gamer... ex...traor...din...aire!

_Cast bows, and curtain falls._

* * *

**THE END**  
Actors will be signing programs outside the dressing room. At the request of Iggins, we ask that no audience members try to kick or otherwise abuse anyone in the cast. Thank you.

* * *


	5. Rise of the Zitboy, Act I

Rise of the Zitboy: The MUSICAL! (Act 1)

* * *

_Scene I: Zim's Lab_

_Zim is in his lab, working on an experiment with two chickens. Two are at the bottom of tubes, which rise past the audience's field of vision. There is a window at the back of the set, and behind it is a projection of space._

**An Irken Who's Worth Anything (The Testing Song)**  
Zim: An Irken who's worth anything  
Must know the simple fact  
That if an Irken wants to bring  
Doom, he has to enact

Plenty of tests so that he can  
Know more about the stink  
That's on the planet, thus his plan  
He's able to rethink.

He'll use the knowledge that he's gained  
To plot much devistation.  
The reason victory's attained  
Is investigation!

So, in this spirit, I must work  
On this _ingenious_ test!  
And I will be the pride of Irk  
Once the Earth's beem posessed.

And so I shall not rest  
'Til I complete this test!

It's time to use technology  
Time to learn about zoology!  
And this chicken  
Will soon take a lickin'  
With science-y methodology!

I'll shoot a chicken from this place!  
I'll then study the look on his face,  
Let him react  
And I'll know for a fact  
If chickens can live in outer space!

_Zim presses the button with a flourish. As the music plays, the first chicken rises out of the audience's view. Half a second later, the projection behind the window shows the chicken flying through space and burning up._

Zim, speaking: Hmmm.... interesting.

_Zim turns toward the audience in a theatrical manner._

Zim: And through this clever test  
Earth's knowledge I'll digest!

I'll use knowledge to prove my worth  
By using it to conquer the Earth!  
And soon the whim  
Of the _amazing_ Zim  
Will control this filthy pile of turf!

My brilliant scheme simply can't fail!  
The planet Earth I will assail!  
My awesome might  
Will allow me to blight  
This planet until all must hail...

The great genius of Zim!  
I'll soon...

_Zim's song is interrupted by the melodic beeping of an alarm. A security robot comes on._

Zim, speaking: What? What is it?

**Intruder Alert**  
Robot: I don't mean to be miscontrued, or  
Be rude, or,  
Anything, but there's an intruder!

Your home base is being pursued, for  
One eludes our  
Security; it's an intruder!

_A chorus of robots comes behind the main robot._

Intruder Alert!  
Backup: Oooh, Intruder!  
Robot: Don't mean to be curt,  
Backup: Beep, beep! Intruder!  
Robot: But you must protect the house  
From this wicked spying louse!  
All robots: It's an in... tru... der alert!

Robot: Intruder Alert!  
Backup: Yes, Intruder!  
Robot: Though this news may hurt,  
Backup: In-in-intruder!  
Robot: Before this song's adjourned,  
We just want you to be warned!  
All robots: It's an in... tru... der alert!

_The music slows down, and a blinking sign with the word 'Intruder!' comes down. The robots in the chorus link arms and can-can, while the main robot takes off his leg and starts twirling it like a cane._

Robot, very hammy: It's an intruder...  
Backup: Intruder...  
Robot: Intru...

Zim, speaking impatiently: Yes yes, I get it! Enough already!

_Abruptly, the robots stop dancing and sadly walk offstage. The sign also disappears._

Zim: Now, I must find this... intruder. He will know the terrible wrath of Zim!

_As Zim begins to walk offstage, there is a blackout._

* * *

_Scene II: Outside Zim's House_

_Dib, wearing a squirrel costume, is sneaking stealthily around Zim's yard. Throughout the song, he continues to dart around in a sprightly, choreographed way._

**I'm Spying!** (http://www.broadwaymidi.com/down/PP-06ImFlyingFlyingBallet.mid)  
Dib: I'm spying!

Look at me, watch me spy!  
Like a good Swollen Eye,  
I'm spying!

I'm spying!  
I can learn all about  
Zim's mission, and without  
Much trying!

I will collect proof of planet Irk.  
Now, it's time that I got down to work!

I'm spying!

Nothing will stop me now,  
I'll get Zim, that's my vow!  
I'll get lots of proof,  
Then they'll know the truth!  
I'm spying!

I'm sly; I'll find my way to Zim's base...  
I know this will end in Zim's disgrace!

I'm spying!  
Over fence, over gnome...  
I will get in Zim's home.  
This is quite a breeze!  
I'll get through with ease!  
And then Zim will no longer have invading duties!  
I'm spying!

I'm spying!  
And now in no time flat,  
I'll get past; this is sat-  
-isfying!

I'm spying!  
I have nothing to fear;  
I will win, and I'll hear  
Zim crying!

I'll stay out of sight, and I will try...  
To sneak around here like a good spy!

I'm spying!  
I will hide, out of sight,  
And find proof of what's right.  
Zim ought to beware!  
I'll get in his lair!  
I will break and enter largely thanks to all my dar-  
-ing spying!

_Zim opens the front door._

Zim, speaking: Gnomes! Capture the squirrel!

_The gnomes capture Dib. Zim pulls off Dib's mask.  
_

Zim, speaking: Nice try, squirrel-Dib! I laugh at your pitiful attempt at spying! Ha!

_Dib gets free of the gnomes and stands behind the fence._

Dib, speaking: Go on, laugh! You'll be sorry!

**Doing... Stuff**  
Dib: Beware, Zim, for I will find a way inside  
Soon I'll be in your home, and you can not hide!  
Your gnomes will not protect you forever!

I will breach your home base's security  
And I will be sure to break in frequently!  
Zim: You will never break in, Dib! No, never!

Dib: Go ahead, think you're secure!  
I'll get in, though you are sure  
Your defense is tough.

And then, when you least suspect  
I'll break in and will inspect  
I'll be doing... stuff!

You will regret you misjudged me!  
You will see!  
I will make it through...

I will get in, at any rate.  
Just you wait!  
I will get my due!

Whatever you do, it will not be enough!  
I will find a way to get inside and... do... stuff!

Zim: Dib-filth, you can not deceive  
Zim! It is best you leave.  
Stop your foolish bluff!

How could you get inside my base?  
You're really a mental case  
To think of doing... stuff!

My defenses are without a flaw  
So withdraw!  
You don't have a chance!

You will meet your doom and defeat  
Just retreat!  
You'll never advance...

So leave me alone; don't give me any guff!  
Don't even think of coming in and do...ing... stuff!

Zim, speaking: Uh, You haven't discovered some kind of a flaw in my security net, have you?

Dib, speaking: Let's just say your home defenses could use some tightening.

_Zim's jaw drops and Dib goes offstage._

Zim, speaking: You lie! Nothing breaches my defenses, nothing! You hear me, squirrel boy? Nothing!

**Nothing Gets Past My Security**  
Zim: Nothing can get past my great hi-tech defense  
You will just waste your time if you try!  
My security system is perfect, and hence,  
It will capture any foolish spy!

For...  
Nothing gets past my security,  
No, nothing at all!  
It beats all systems in the city,  
And never will fall!

_A pizza guy walks, unnoticed, behind Zim and approaches the door._

My system was tightly created,  
By my mighty hand!  
And so the system will be fated  
To quickly withstand...

The threats of this planet!  
If something tresspasses, security will ban it!

_The pizza guy rings the doorbell. Zim turns around._

Zim, speaking: Huh?

_Gir opens the door._

Pizza guy, speaking: Here's the pizza you ordered.

Gi, speakingr: Thank you.... I... I love you....

_Gir takes the pizza, and the pizza guy walks offstage. Zim angrily walks over to Gir._

Zim, speaking: Gir! We fend humans away from our home, not invite them over! 

Gir, speaking: I had a coupon! 

_Gir goes inside._

Zim, speaking: Maybe there is some kind of flaw! But what? I have to fix it before the Dib-creature can find a way inside my lair!

_Zim enters the door, and there is a blackout._

* * *

_Scene III: Inside Zim's House_

_Gir is eating pizza on the sofa. Zim is standing to the side and thinking._

Gir: Whee! This pizza sure is good!

**Grease**  
Gir: I love pizza, it's so cheesy!  
It will never make me queasy!  
Why? The answer is quite easy...  
I love it because it's greasy!

I love grease!  
And my love will never cease!  
Grease is the word, it makes things yummy,  
Greasy food could never taste crummy!

Pick a food...  
Add grease and it will taste... güd!  
When you add grease, oil, lard, or fat...  
You will have good food in no time flat!

What is in every good meal?  
What thing has lots of appeal?  
Grease, so good it makes me feel...  
Eee! The thought just makes me squeal!

And I could eat grease all day long!  
That is no lie, I am not wrong!  
And so I'll show my very stong  
Love of greasy food through song!

I love grease!  
And my love will never cease!  
Grease is the word, it makes things yummy,  
Greasy food could never taste crummy!

Pick a food...  
Add grease and it will taste... güd!  
When you add grease, oil, lard, or fat...  
You will have good food in no time flat!

_Zim, exasperated, walks over to Gir._

Zim: Now stop this greasy nonsense, Gir!  
I need a plan, so that that cur  
Named Dib will be foiled for sure!  
So, robot slave, you must defer!

Gir, speaking: Aw, someone's not feeling the love...

Gir: But, master, grease is so yummy!  
Why can't you love it, just like me?  
It should make you explode with glee...  
I'll make you love grease, wait and see!

_Gir, covered in grease, embraces Zim._

You'll love grease!  
And that love will never cease!  
For grease is great, it makes things yummy,  
Greasy food could never taste crummy!

Pick a food...  
Add grease and it will taste... güd!  
When you add grease, oil, lard, or fat...  
You will have good food in no time flat!

Zim, speaking: Get off! Get off! Get off!

_Zim finally succeeds in getting Gir off, but he is now covered in grease._

Zim, speaking: See what you've done? I'm covered in this disgusting oil filth!

Gir, speaking: Isn't it great?

_Zim screams._

**Get Me Soap**  
Zim: Get me soap!  
If there is any hope  
Of getting this filth off of me,  
I must have soap, Gir, and quickly!

Gir, go walk  
And get me cleansing chalk!  
This grease feels weird on my skin,  
And I don't want it to sink in!

Gir, speakng: Okee-dokey!

_Gir dances offstage, and the music gets more frantic._

Zim: Argh, blech, ack!  
I need this grease off me!  
Oh, alack!  
I can't stand this filthy...  
Slimy goo!  
Oh, what am I to do?

Disgusting!  
Grease is an awful thing!  
The feeling...  
Of this gross lard does ling-  
-er in me!  
I hope soap sets me free!

_Gir dances back onstage with the soap in his hand as well as a mirror. Zim forcefully grabs it from his hand and scrubs furiously in time with the music ._

Get it off!  
This oil is a pain!  
Slimy stuff!  
I dont want to remain  
With it on...  
So, filthy grease, begone!

_Zim stops scrubbing and feels his face. He is shocked when he notices that it is still greasy. He screams and looks at the soap._

Oh why...  
Is there bacon in the soap?

Gir, try...  
To explain this, you big dope!

Gir, speaking: I made it myself!

_Zim takes the mirror from Gir, looks at himself, and screams._

Zim, speaking: Aaah! My face!

Gir, speaking: You got a pimple! 

Zim, speaking: Pim-pol? 

Gir, speaking: It's like on TV!

_Gir gets out a stereo and puts a 'Now That's What I Call Annoying Jingles' CD inside. He starts dancing and sings the lyrics, while imitating the characters._

**'Cause I've Got A Pimple** (http://www.dragonriders.com/midi/tv/saved_by_the_bell.mid)  
Gir, as teen: When I wake up in the mornin',  
And the 'larm gives out a warnin',  
I take a look at my face before school.  
But then, to my great horror,  
I know bad things are in store,  
I have a pimple and I will never again be cool!  
Nothing's right... 'cause I've got a pimple!

Now my social life's a wreck.  
It has simply gone to heck,  
Because of the gross blemish on my face.  
My peers now reject me,  
For the flaw that they see,  
I wish that I could get my social status back in place!  
Nothing's right... 'cause I've got a pimple!  
Nothing's right... 'cause I've got a pimple!

Gir, as Acne Blast Man: Hi, my name is Acne Blast Man,  
And I am certain that I can,  
Restore the glory of your social life!  
Just put on my facial cream,  
And your status you'll redeem,  
With Acne Blast, everything will soon be free from strife!  
Never fear... I'll destroy your pimple!

_Gir takes a tube from his head and, as the teen, puts cream on his 'pimple'. He grins._

Gir, as teen: Yay! My pimple's disappeared,  
And my face has been cleared!  
My popularity will now be high!  
I will have lots of pals,  
And be friends with cute gals,  
I am so happy that I'm certain I could touch the sky!  
It's alright... 'cause I have no pim...  
It's alright... 'cause I have no pim...  
It's alright... 'cause I have no pimple!

Zim, speaking: I must obtain Acne Blast! Gimme that!

_Zim grabs the tube from Gir._

Zim, speaking: Now, to the wash room! My face will be pim-pol free once again!

Zim goes offstage as a tune plays. Gir takes the bit of cream from his face and eats it. After a few seconds, Zim emerges from the bathroom amid smoke. His pimple is now of gigantic proportions.

Zim, speaking: What is this stuff? It made the pim-pol worse!

_Zim gives the tube back to Gir... it is now revealed to be 'Concentrated Lard' rather than Acne Blast. Gir eats the tube._

Zim, speaking: Gir, how could you? This is so not right! It's jeopardizing everything I've worked for!

_Zim goes to the front of the stage while Gir dances in the background._

**The Birth of Pustulio**  
Zim: What will I do? How will I get by?  
How can I study the population,  
With each single Earthling girl and guy,  
Gazing at my ugly deformation?

Will all my espionage go to waste,  
Gir: I'm dancin'...  
Zim: Will I now have to let my tallest down?  
Gir: Like a monkey...  
Zim: Because of the pimple on my face...  
Gir: I'm prancin'...  
Zim: Will I now be consigned to play the clown?  
Gir: Really funky...

Zim, speaking: Gir, quiet! I'm trying to think!

Gir, speaking: Aw, you look sad... I'll make it better!

_Gir draws a face on the pimple._

Zim: Don't you do that! Will you go away?  
Gir: Yes, I'll go... I will obey, my master.

_Gir proceeds to walk away._

Zim: Gir? Follow orders? Does he obey?  
Gir: What's wrong? If you'd like, I will go faster.

Zim: Gir!  
Gir: Yes sir!  
Zim: Do the following for me...  
Roll on the floor!  
Bow down to me!  
And roll some more...  
I want to see!

Gir: Yes, of course, whatever you say!  
Yes, my master! I obey!

_Gir follows Zim's orders. Zim turns away from Gir and he starts dancing again._

Zim: Well, at least I have respect from Gir...  
Gir: I'm dancin'...  
Zim: But this blemish still threatens my mission.  
Gir: Like a monkey...  
Zim: I need my features to look as they were,  
Gir: I'm prancin'...  
Zim: My pim-pol must undergo remission!  
Gir: Really funky...

Zim, speaking: Gir, what happened to obeying your master?

_Zim turns around._

Gir: Sorry, master, I will now stay  
Subservient and obey!

Zim, speaking: Hmmm...

_Zim starts turning towards and away from Gir, and the song changes accordingly._

Gir 1: Whoo! Monkey dance!  
Gir 2: I will do my best to pay...  
Gir 1: Give it a chance!  
Gir 2: Attention and I'll obey...  
Gir 1: Actin' crazy!  
Gir 2: I will do the things you say...  
Gir 1: Bein' lazy!  
Gir 2: Your orders I won't betray!  
Gir 1: I'll have a ton,  
Gir 2: Resolutely I will stay,  
Gir 1: Of monkey fun!  
Gir 2: And follow orders right away!

Zim, speaking: Hmm...

Zim: It seems this gruesome pim-pol of mine,  
Can control the minds of all who see it!  
Now I have been granted power divine!  
I can control Dib's mind! I guarantee it!

I can finally glean what he knows,  
And I'll soon repair my security  
Once Dib, my enemy himself, shows  
My security system's flaws to me!

Now, Gir, it's time to get to work.  
Gir: Get to work...  
Zim: This is a task I shall not shirk!  
Gir: Shall not shirk...  
Zim: I'll give my blemish a disguise,  
Gir: A disguise....  
Zim: And then, before Dib catches wise,  
Gir: Catches wise...  
Zim: His information I will know!  
Thanks to my pim-pol... my Pustulio!

_Zim heads in the direction of the lab and the curtain falls._

* * *

**INTERMISSION**  
On sale in the lobby: Gir Brand Cleansing Chalk! It comes in bacon, taco meat, mayonnaise, and chicken varieties, so be sure to collect them all!

* * *


	6. Rise of the Zitboy, Act II

Rise of the Zitboy: The MUSICAL! (Act 2)

* * *

_Scene I: Zim's Lab and Dib's Room_

_There are two sets on either side of the stage. On one side, Zim is in his lab; he is putting the finishing touches on a Pustulio doll. On the other side of the stage, Dib is putting together some spying equipment. Currently, the spotlight is on Zim._

**Let My Destiny Begin**  
Zim: A touch here, and a stitch there,  
And soon all will know  
My hypnotic, debonair  
Pal, Pustulio!

My success will soon depend  
On my great pim-pol!  
With my oily, greasy friend,  
I'll achieve my goal!

And so...  
I know...  
It's time to prepare!  
It's time to take great care  
With my project!

And I'll soon be great!  
My quite deservéd fate  
I will direct!

_By this time, Zim has finished with Pustulio._

Yes! I know that I'll win!  
Let my destiny begin!

_Zim's spotlight fades, and Dib's comes up._

Dib: One more day...  
I need just one more day to reach Zim's base!  
I know its deficits; they are in place...  
In my mind!

Zim will pay  
For his misplaced attempts to conquer Earth!  
And then I can finally prove my worth  
To mankind!

Just one more day until  
I'll fin'lly have the thrill  
Of unseating Zim's threat!  
I will never regret

The steps I took to win!  
Let my destiny begin!

_Both spotlights are now up._

Zim: I am certain Dib will fall  
Dib: Zim will fall  
Zim: Once I hypnotize  
Dib: Once I sneak inside his base tomorrow!  
Zim: Him with my pim-pol! Soon all  
Dib: He will wallow in pitiful sorrow!  
Zim: Will then realize...  
Dib: He will know...

Zim: That I should rule the planet!  
Dib: That it all  
Zim: At my feet they'll go!  
Dib: Was a matter of time before he'd lose!  
Zim: My scheme's great; none would pan it!  
Dib: And I will soon end the pathetic ruse  
Zim: I'll defeat my foe!  
Dib: Of my foe!

Dib and Zim: Tomorrow I will win!  
Let my des...tin...y be...gin!  


_Blackout._

* * *

_Scene II: The Skoolyard_

_On the main part of the stage, children are playing various games. Dib and Gaz are standing by the Skool entrance on one corner of the stage, while Zim (with Pustulio attached to his face) is behind a tree on the other._

**Playing In The Yard** (http://www.broadwaymidi.com/down/LM-MasterOfTheHouse02.mid - tune is about 55 seconds into the MIDI)  
Kids: Playing in the yard!  
Isn't it a joy?  
It isn't too hard,  
One only needs a toy!

Jumping rope and jacks,  
Going down the slide!  
The fun never lacks;  
We're always satisfied!  


Recess time is so delightful!  
It's so joyful and ab-sard,  
Never spooky, dumb, or frightful,  
That's why we love playing in the yard!

Jessica: It's now time to chat  
'Bout the social scene,  
Melvin: Play with ball and bat,  
Zita: And run 'til we turn green!

The Letter M: It will be such fun  
Running all around!  
Smolga: With games to be done,  
Happiness will abound!

Kids: Recess time is so delightful!  
It's so joyful and ab-sard,  
Never spooky, dumb, or frightful,  
That's why we love playing in the yard!

_Zim jumps out from behind the tree and takes center stage. The kids look on in shock._

Zim: I think you should meet  
My visiting friend!  
Feel free to greet  
So he will comprehend

He's welcome to stay!  
I want him to know.  
He's from far away  
And called Pustulio!

Kids: Eew! Zim, you are so disgusting!  
It's so gross that you would show,  
Your huge pimple while adjusting,  
It to look like this 'Pustulio'!

_Zim grinned evily._

Zim, speaking: So, is that what you think?

_Zim wiggled his pimple, and the kids were immediately hypnotised. A soft tune begins to play._

**Our World Will Never Be The Same (Now That Pustulio's In It)**  
Kids: How could we have all been so blind?  
How could we have been content?  
We thought we were fine; now we find  
A blessing that's heaven-sent!

And our world will never be the same,  
Now that Pustulio's in it!  
Life used to be dull before he came;  
Now we truly can begin it!

Our hearts are now wide open to him,  
And our love will last forever!  
Love which shall soon fill us to the brim,  
Which nothing at all shall sever!

Mary: I never knew true bliss  
Until this happy day!  
I thought that love was nonexistent!

Gretchen: And now it comes to this;  
A love that's here to stay!  
The truth to which I was resistant...

Mary and Gretchen: Pustulio and I  
Will never be apart!  
We'll never say goodbye...  
We'll share a single heart!

A heart that will go on and on  
'Til after I am dead and gone!

Kids: And our world will never be the same,  
Now that Pustulio's in it!  
Life used to be dull before he came;  
Now we truly can begin it!

Our hearts are now wide open to him,  
And our love will last forever!  
Love which shall soon fill us to the brim,  
Which nothing at all shall sever!

Torque: I will do anything  
To prove my love to him!  
No matter if it's cruel or vicious!

Lizard Boy: Even if it will bring  
Me pain to every limb,  
It is what Pustulio wishes!

Torque and Lizard Boy: I will always obey  
The great Pustulio!  
I will never say 'nay'  
To what he says; I'll show

That my heart will be true to him!  
I will obey the friend of Zim!

Kids: Yes! We love and will obey  
Pustulio every day!

For our world will never be the same,  
Now that Pustulio's in it!  
Life used to be dull before he came;  
Now we truly can begin it!

Our hearts are now wide open to him,  
And our love will last forever!  
Love which shall soon fill us to the brim,  
Which nothing at all shall sever!

Which nothing shall sever...  
No, nothing whatever!  
Don't try to be clever;  
There's nothing anywhere that could!

Our hearts are now granted  
To he who's enchanted  
Us children and planted  
The truth of love in us for good!

Zim, speaking: Well, as Pustulio's official, uh, spokesperson, I will tell everyone what Pustulio wishes of you. Now, to the classroom!

_Zim (and Pustulio) enter the Skool, passing Dib and Gaz along the way. As the group leaves the stage, Dib watches the procession with interest. He begins to go towards center stage._

Dib, speaking: Gaz, did you notice anything weird about those kids?

Gaz, speaking: No.

Dib, speaking: Zim's obviously controlling them somehow! I think it has something to do with the thing on his head. I must get to the bottom of this!

**As Long As Dib Is Around**  
Dib: Everyone's in danger now  
Since Zim has made his move!  
There is just one question; how  
Can this problem improve?

There is one person who can do it!  
I'll save the kids; I will see to it!

So when it seems,  
That all Zim's dreams,  
His evil schemes,  
Will come true...

He shoud beware!  
For I'll be there!  
And I'll take care  
Of his coup!

The Earth can rest  
As long as Dib is around!  
I'll do my best;  
To run Zim's plan to the ground!

While Zim may try  
He'll go awry!  
I do not lie;  
It's no fib!

I know I'm right!  
If I will fight,  
I'll show Earth's might!  
For I'm Dib!

The Earth can rest  
As long as Dib is around!  
I'll do my best;  
To run Zim's plan to the ground!

I know that I'll face obstacles  
But that's what I must do!  
I'm the one to fight these great struggles;  
I will see the Earth through!

Dib, speaking: Now, to foil Zim's plan!  


_As Dib enters the Skool, there is a blackout._

* * *

_Scene III: Classroom_

_Zim is standing on a chair. He is surrounded by the hypnotized children._

**We Will Obey**  
Zim: You kids love Pustulio?  
Kids: Yes, we love Pustulio!  
Zim: Well, he wants you all to show,  
Just so  
He'll know  
Your... happy love emotion!

Kids: His orders we will obey!  
We will follow what you say!  
Zim, tell us his will; betray  
The way  
We may  
Serve him with great devotion!

We will obey!  
Yes, Zim, we will obey!  
We no longer want to play!  
Let us serve him! Oh, we pray,  
Oh, please, let us obey!

Zim, speaking: I shall have to discuss this with Pustulio!

_Zim looks at Pustulio._

Zim, speaking: Pustulio accepts your servitude! Be full of joy, for you filth-creatures are now his slaves!

_The kids cheer._

Kids: Hip, hip, hurray!  
For now we can obey!  
Now we want Zim to convey  
The things we should do and say!  
Tell us how to obey!

Zim: Listen to me!  
For if you want to be  
Pustulio's slaves, the key  
Is to listen exactly!  
Everyone follow me!

Listen to my every word!  
Obey all thay you'll have heard!  
You'll make Pustulio happy!

Kids: Yes! We'll listen carefully!  
We'll obey and hopefully  
We'll make Pustulio happy!

Zim, speaking: Pustulio is pleased! Now, here is what you must do...

Dib, speaking from offstage: Not so fast!

_Dib runs onstage and jumps on the desk._

Dib, speaking: You'll never get away with this, Zim!

**Barging In**  
Dib: I will defeat you, Zim!  
Though my chances may seen slim,  
Your future's looking dim!  
I'll win, for I know I'm able!

I'll break the spell you've cast!  
And your triumph will end fast!  
Quite soon it will have passed...  
Certain as I'm on this table!

I'm barging in  
To a room full of kids  
Who my enemy  
Has now hypnotized!

Still, I will win!  
I'll go on 'til Zim rids  
Them of the spell; free  
Of what he's devised!

Zim, you must stop this ruse!  
For you're guaranteed to lose!  
You should give up and choose  
The path of least resistance now!

I will continue to  
Fight on until you are through!  
Give up, or you will rue  
It after I beat you, and how!

I'm barging in  
To a room full of kids  
Who my enemy  
Has now hypnotized!

Still, I will win!  
I'll go on 'til Zim rids  
Them of the spell; free  
Of what he's devised!

Zim, speaking: Pustulio wishes you to seize the intruder!

_Torque captures Dib._

Dib, speaking: Oops.

Zim, speaking: You will be soon be one of us...

Dib, speaking: No!

**I Will Resist** (http://www.geocities.com/Broadway/Stage/2935/survive2.mid)  
Dib: I'll not give in this time; I'll resist the spell!  
I'll reverse your crime so I'll free all these kids as well!

_Dib turns towards the kids._

Look! You guys must now try to see that you're under hypnosis!  
Let Zim's plan miss;  
You must all free yourselves from this!

Kids: What do you mean? What can you know?  
All we can see is our devotion to the great Pustulio!

Zim: There's simply no way you can block the hypnosis, as you can see!  
So you should just give in right now and make things proceed easily!

Go on, now go! You should give in!  
We all know that it's really me who's gonna win!

So don't resist, for you should know it's futile now!  
Dib, understand that soon at my feet you will bow!

Dib: No, I insist...  
I will resist!  
For as long as there's a threat to Earth I know I must persist!  
The knowing hand of fate gave  
Me planet Earth to save!  
So I'll resist!  
I will resist!

_Dib closes his eyes._

I won't give in to you; I'll just close my eyes!  
You'll see Dib is not a kid who you can hypnotize!

Zim: You are quite foolish to think that you could get away from me!  
You cannot flee;  
And now hypnosis waits for thee!

Dib: No, that's not true! I'll never look!  
I will never be a victim to your schemes, you awful crook!

Zim: You'll have to look up very soon! Oh, Dib, you are such a fool!  
You should just save yourself some trouble and let me take over the skool!

Go on, now go! You should give in!  
We all know that it's really me who's gonna win!

So don't resist, for you should know it's futile now!  
Dib, understand that soon at my feet you will bow!

Dib: No, I insist...  
I will resist!  
For as long as there's a threat to Earth I know I must persist!  
The knowing hand of fate gave  
Me planet Earth to save!  
So I'll resist!  
I will resist!

Zim: Go on, now go! You should give in!  
We all know that it's really me who's gonna win!

So don't resist, for you should know it's futile now!  
Dib, understand that soon at my feet you will bow!

Dib: No, I insist...  
I will resist!  
For as long as there's a threat to Earth I know I must persist!  
The knowing hand of fate gave  
Me planet Earth to save!  
So I'll resist!  
I will resist!  
I will resist!

Zim, speaking: You can't close your eyes forever! You have to breathe sometime...

_Dib opens his eyes._

Dib, speaking: But what does that have to do with breathing?

_Dib is hypnotized._

**Make Pustulio Happy**  
Zim: Now that you have seen the light  
Dib: Seen the light...  
Zim: And fin'lly become one of us,  
I want you to fix my plight  
Dib: Fix your plight...  
Zim: I need your special aid because...

Of everybody here only you know,  
My security system's flaws, and so,  
I would be delighted if you could show  
Them to me. Do it for Pustulio!  
Dib: Yes... the flaws are... NO!

I must exercise my will.  
These hard-won secrets I can't spill!  
My dilemma is simple;  
I have to resist the pimple!

Zim: Dib, you are making Pustulio sad...  
Will you tell him, if only a tad?  
Otherwise, you'll make him think you're a cad...  
Please him, that request I must plead emphat-  
-ically! Make him glad!

You will make Pustulio happy!  
And all you should want is to make Pustulio happy!  
Don't you think it would be rich  
To fulfill his every wish?  
Don't deny it, don't be churlish!  
Go make Pustulio happy!

You will make Pustulio happy!  
Dib: No, I insist... I will resist!  
Zim: And all you should want is to make Pustulio happy!  
Dib: For as long as there's a threat to Earth I know I must persist!  
Zim: Don't you think it would be rich  
Dib: Though it might not be so bad...  
Zim: To fulfill his every wish?  
Dib: To obey and make him glad.  
Zim: Don't deny it, don't be churlish!  
Dib: I won't resist!  
Zim: Go make Pustulio happy!  
Dib: I'll make Pustulio happy!

There is one flaw in your home;  
Your yard should have an extra gnome!  
Place it two feet from the gate,  
And then no one can penetrate!

_Zim cackles evilly._

**Victory is Mine**  
Zim: Victory is mine, yes, I can feel it!  
Victory sublime, it's so real it  
Feels like I will succeed before long.

I've hypnotized Dib; next, mankind!  
I'll gain the Earth for which I've pined!  
To Zim this planet will belong!

It's so close, I can taste it,  
Tallest, your trust was not wasted  
For victory is mine, yes, victory... is...

_There is an explosion onstage. Once the air has cleared, the stage appears to be covered in oily grime. Zim feels his face, only to see that his pimple is gone. Several kids are looking dazed, and Dib is in shock._

Keef, speaking: What happened?

Dib, speaking: I can't believe it! I was _so_ close to getting into Zim's base. And I blew it all because of a stupid hypnotic pimple! Well, I think I've learned a lesson today...

**Don't Fall For The Pimple**  
Dib: It may wow you with it's presence,  
And oddly hypnotic essence,  
But don't fall for the pimple!

If you attempt to gawk and stare,  
It will then catch you unaware!  
So, don't fall for the pimple!

You might think it is a harmless imperfection,  
But you should think twice!  
It can control you to the smallest inflection,  
So take this advice...

_The entire cast comes out and goes behind Dib._

All: Some people think that it's alright,  
To look at the oily blight,  
But don't fall for the pimple!

If you see one, just look away,  
And you might live for one more day!  
Thus, don't fall for the pimple!

Of all the things on the face,  
From wrinkle down to blush and dimple,  
There's one that you can't embrace!  
You can guess, it is quite simple!  
At all costs you must... avoid... the... pimple!

_Cast bows, and curtain falls._

* * *

**THE END**  
The soundtrack to _Rise of the Zitboy: The Musical_ is available in semi-reputable stores nationwide! Buy now, and you'll get a bonus track of Celine Dion and Barbara Streissand singing 'Our World Will Never Be The Same (Now That Pustulio's In It)'!

* * *


	7. Tak, the Hideous New Girl, Act I

Tak, the Hideous New Girl: The MUSICAL! (Act 1)

* * *

_Scene I: Ms. Bitters' Classroom - Valentine's Day_

_Ms. Bitters is not in the classroom yet; however, the kids are inside. The desk is near the back of the stage. On the left, there is a large window which shows the yard outside (a projection). There is a door on the right._

**The Fourteenth of February**  
Group 1: Birds tweet...  
Group 2: So sweet...  
All: Buds bloom!

Group 1: Hearts beat...  
Group 2: Too fleet...  
All: No gloom!

With all this joy before us, it's easy to assume...  
Trio: To assume...

All: It can't be Christmas Day, for there's no snow upon the ground.  
It can't be Easter either; there are no eggs to be found!  
We'd say that it was April Fools, but no one's played a trick.  
It can't be finals week, because nobody's called in sick!  
And so, without a doubt, we must say...  
It's the fourteenth of February: Valentine's Day!

It isn't Passover, Flag Day, or St. Patrick's Day yet.  
We know it can't be summer; it's too cold to break a sweat!  
No president was born today, or we would have to squeeze  
Into a room so we could watch dopey assemblies!  
And so, without a doubt, we must say...  
It's the fourteenth of February: Valentine's Day!

July Fourth, New Years, Halloween play their parts  
But one day has a special place in our hearts...

And that's Valentine's  
Vale-vale-valentine's Day!  
That's what we say!  
So, hooray  
For this Valentine's Day!

_Ms. Bitters enters the room looking angry. She faces towards an unseen figure on the other side of the door._

**This Is The Meaning**  
Bitters: No!  
Offstage Voice: Yes!  
Bitters: No!  
OV: Yes!  
Bitters: No, no, no, no, NO!  
OV: ...Yes.

Bitters, speaking: You'll pay for this one!

_Ms. Bitters slams the door and goes towards her desk._

Bitters: Listen up, for I have an announcement to make.  
Despite my own objections and outrage,  
The principal's letting you foolish children partake  
In holiday 'tradition'. You'll engage

In mindless celebration of pathetic 'love'.  
Go ahead, children, go pass out your treats!  
It's 'traditon', so I really have no chance of  
Preventing you from passing out your meats.

Kids, shouting: Yay!

Kids: This is the meaning  
Of St.Valentine's!  
Sharing our food and  
Stuffing our faces!

This room is teaming  
With steak and pork rinds!  
Plus some that's canned  
In heart-shaped cases!

Let us celebrate this day with lots of tasty meat,  
For it's only with this food that this day's complete!

We are giving out lamb chops to our closest friends!  
Pork, beef, and chicken simply can't be beat!  
And for the vegetarian, one merely sends  
Tofu in the place of actual meat!

_Aki approaches Zim with her meat._

Zim: I can't accept this, for... I've forgotten my meat!  
Sorry, but it slipped my mind completely.  
Now please get that... filthy food... away from my seat!  
Eek! Get it off! Get it away from me!

_Zim has tossed the meat all over the place. Aki shrugs and walks away._

Kids: This is the meaning  
Of St.Valentine's!  
Sharing our food and  
Stuffing our faces!

This room is teaming  
With steak and pork rinds!  
Plus some that's canned  
In heart-shaped cases!

Let us celebrate this day with lots of tasty meat,  
For it's only with this food that this day's complete!

_Gretchen begins piling Valentine's meat on Dib's desk._

Gretchen: Here's some chopped surloin, hamburger, and a rump roast,  
Plus some chicken tenders and a prime rib.  
All of the meats that the palate savors most,  
I am now giving as a gift to Dib!

Dib: Ms. Bitters, I read that chocolate boxes, cards and sweets  
Were Valentine's tradition long ago.  
So, why on Earth have we replaced these gifts with meats?  
Bitters: Dib, trust me, you really don't want to know.

Bitters, speaking: I had a Valentine once...

_As Ms. Bitters steps forward, the music becomes more somber and heartfelt. A spotlight goes on her, and she begins to sing._

**I Once Had A Valentine**  
Bitters: I once had romance.  
I once had a Valentine...  
I once had the chance!  
But...

_The song is interrupted by a beeping noise as well as by a red light flashing in the back of the room. The spotlight abruptly changes back to normal lighting. Ms. Bitters, appearing disgruntled, looks back at the flashing light._

Bitters, speaking: Another one?

_She clears her throat and begins speaking to the class._

Bitters, speaking: To celebrate overcrowding in skool, a new student will be joining the class. Since the student will need a place to sit, I'll be transferring...

_She forcefully points to Rob._

Bitters, speaking: YOU to the... underground classroom!

_There is a cloud of smoke where Rob is sitting; when it clears, he has disappeared. Ms. Bitters points at Brian._

Bitters, speaking: And I'm just tired of you.

_There is another cloud of smoke, and Brian disappears. Outside the window, Tak's jet lands (a projection), and nearly all the kids watch it in awe. Mimi briefly walks by the window, but quickly disappears. A second later, Tak walks through the doorway, with a box in her arms._

Tak, speaking: Hi, my name's Tak! I'm new here.

Kids, speaking in a hypnotized manner: Hello, Tak...

**Wieners For Everyone**  
Tak: There's a fact that you should know  
As I join the classroom crew.  
And I think it apropos  
To tell of my life and give a clue.

I'll explain my past, or try.  
I am quite unlike you, which  
I can eas'ly justify  
With the fact that I am filthy rich!

For my dad is the head...  
Kids: Yes, her dad is the head...  
Tak: Of the Dee-Lishus Weenie Corporation!  
The company that's led...  
Kids: Yes, we know that it's led...  
Tak: All the other fast food chains in the nation!

And to show that it's the truth,  
I thought it would be great fun  
To present, as final proof  
Valentine's wieners for everyone!

_A group of kids starts to approach Tak._

Come, my friends, come and partake  
In my nice dee-lishus feast!  
Come and eat, please, for my sake!  
Or just take a small nibble at least!

For my dad is the head...  
Kids: Yes, her dad is the head...  
Tak: Of the Dee-Lishus Weenie Corporation!  
The company that's led...  
Kids: Yes, we know that it's led...  
Tak: All the other fast food chains in the nation!

Kids: This is quite a pleasant shock!  
These wieners are great, it's true.  
Thank you, Tak!  
Smolga: These wieners rock!  
Tak: Now everyone should eat... except you!

_Tak is pointing towards Zim._

Zim, speaking: Weenies, shmeenies! Zim needs no meat!

Tak, speaking: I have prepared something special for you...

Sara, speaking: Oooh... Zim has a girlfriend!

Tak, speaking: It's not nice to embarrass people! You should apologize and... eat your eraser!

Sara, speaking: Yes Tak! I'm sorry Zim!

_Sara eats her eraser, and Tak clears her throat._

**Birds Sing, And You're Gonna Pay  
**Tak: For longer than I can remember,  
I've been looking for someone like you.  
Someone with a head like yours,  
And a torso, too.

For too long, a fierce, burning ember  
Has remained in the depths of my soul.  
It has plotted out my course;  
It's taken control!

Birds sing, and you're gonna pay!  
Hear the swallow and the jay!  
Doves and sparrows warble on  
'Til the coming of the dawn.  
Still, they couldn't understand  
The great future I have planned!  
You're gonna pay!

It seems like I've crossed the universe  
Just to gaze upon your special face.  
Now I've finally met you  
In this very place.

In my mind, I constantly rehearse  
What I'd say if I saw you one day.  
Here's what I'll say, now that it's come true:  
Zim, you're gonna pay!

Birds sing, and you're gonna pay!  
They all tweet their lives away!  
Go ahead, let them twitter  
For I have planned a bitter-  
Sweet moment just for us two!  
And that moment I'll pursue!  
You're gonna pay!

Yes, it is true!  
That fine moment I'll pursue!  
I will show you!  
And our meeting you will rue!  
You're gonna pay!

Tak, speaking: The end! Here's some meat covered in barbecue sauce!

_Tak grabs meat from behind Ms. Bitters' desk and throws it at Zim, who screams._

Bitters, speaking: Thanks, Tak. That was horrible. Now take your seat!

_Tak takes Rob's seat (behind Dib) and pats Dib on the shoulder._

Dib, speaking: Huh?

Tak, speaking: Is it just me, or is that Zim kid kinda weird?

Dib, speaking: Um... Well, you probably won't believe me, but that 'kid' is actually an alien!

Tak, speaking: Really? How interesting!

Dib, speaking: It all started when...

_Blackout._

* * *

_Scene II: Playground_

_In the background, Dib and Tak are sitting on the wall, chatting. Zim pacing around is on one side of the foreground, while Gretchen is sobbing on a bench on the other side. At the beginning, Tak and Dib are lit up, while the foreground is in darkness._

**You Don't Say**  
Dib: From my extensive study  
I've learned that Zim is from planet Irk!  
Tak: You don't say!

Dib: Irk lives for conquest bloody  
And to take Earth is Zim's line of work!  
Tak: You don't say!

Dib: Though Zim doesn't seem very wise  
Because of his quite flawed disguise,  
He's still a threat, and he could rise  
To steal the ultimate prize  
Any day!  
Tak: You don't say...

Dib: Zim and his robot flunky  
Constantly engineer Earth's demise!  
Tak: You don't say!

Dib: But he'll stay in a funk; see,  
I'll counter any plan he'll devise!  
Tak: You don't say!

Dib: Zim should be more concerned, because  
Each little imperfection draws  
My attention; I know his flaws  
And I'll exploit them to applause!  
Tak: You don't say!  
Dib: By the way...

Though you may not believe me  
His home is really a secret base!  
Tak: You don't say!

_Dib pulls out a map; Tak is clearly interested and is reaching for the map._

Dib: I really don't decieve; see  
I've copied the layout just in case  
There's a way...

To thwart Zim's conquering mission  
Through my planning and my vision!  
Though I'm faced with some derision,  
Facing this task's my decision!  
I won't stray!

_Tak rolls her eyes._

Tak: You don't say...

Tak, speaking: Hey, can I look at that?

Dib, speaking: What?

Tak, speaking: I'll understand if you don't want to share it with me...

Dib, speaking: No, of course not! It's... it's just I'm not used to people being interested in my paranormal studies. You can take a look. On the back there's a list of potential security flaws, and...

_Tak grabs the map. The lighting changes, so now the foreground is lit up._

Zim, speaking: I can't understand it! This... Tak is acting even more irrational than the other children.Why does she like causing such pain to _Zim_? I must know!

**So, What Does This Tak Human Want With Me?** (http://www.broadwaymidi.com/down/CrazyForYou-TheyCantTakeThatAwayFromMe.mid)  
Zim: The way she threw her meat...  
And wouldn't let me be...  
The way she took her seat...  
So, what does this Tak human want with me?

The way she looked my way...  
And laughed maniac'ly...  
The way she said I'd pay...  
So, what does this Tak human want with me?

We had never, never, met before in that filthy skool classroom.  
Still, she always, always, speaks about my doom...

The way she talked of strife...  
And made a vengeful plea...  
That she would wreck my life...  
So, what does this Tak human want with me?  
What does this Tak human want with me?

**Love Hurts**  
Gretchen: Love hurts!  
It's more painful than itchy shirts  
Or not getting desserts  
Or mildewy yogurts  
Or secrets someone blurts!

_Gretchen sobs loudly and pathetically._

Love hurts!

Zim, speaking: Huh?

_He turns around and starts paying attention to Gretchen._

Gretchen: I can't stand the torture of my love!  
I can't face the dire cruelty of... of...

Love's pain!  
It messes with a poor girl's brain  
And really is the bane  
Of life; I can explain...  
It's driving me insane!  
Love's pain!

There is no better way to say "l'amour"...  
Pain's the same as love, there's nothing more... for...

Cupid  
Is as cruel as he is stupid!  
He's a terrible kid  
To play the games he did!  
Happiness he'll forbid!  
Cupid!

This pain, this torture, all is part  
Of true love from a truer heart!  
And once the seeds of love do start  
They rip a poor person apart!

I guess I really should have known...  
Are these simply my just desserts  
For not remaining on my own?  
It's cruel punishment, for love hurts!

_Gretchen, sobbing, walks offstage. The focus is once again on Zim._

Zim, speaking: So, this love-thingy is pain-based? That can only mean one thing... Tak has fallen madly in love with me!

**So, What Does This Tak Human Want With Me? (Reprise)**  
Zim: We had never, never, met before, yet she yearned to push and shove!  
Still, I'll always, always, know it means true love!

How she'd make high-pitched screams...  
And vowed I'd pay a fee...  
And said she'd haunt my dreams...  
Oh, now I know she's showing love for me!

The way she'd punch my face...  
The way she'd laugh with glee...  
At my pain and disgrace...  
Oh, now I know she's showing love for me!

We had never, never, never met before, yet she yearned to push and shove!  
Still, I'll always, always, know it means true love!

The way she said I'd fail...  
The way she'd guarantee...  
That I'd soon cry and wail...  
Oh, now I know she's showing love for me!  
Oh, I know she's showing love...  
I know she's showing love...  
Now I know she's showing love for me!

_The whole stage is now lit up. Tak returns the map to Dib, who puts it away. Zim approaches the group._

Zim, speaking: Tak! I have come to accept your feelings for me, I congratulate you for acknowledging my superiority in choosing me as your love pig. Feel honored!

Dib, speaking: Okay...

_Tak squirts Zim with barbecue sauce and cackles._

Tak, speaking: Maybe you really are an alien like Dib says. A horribly disguised, disgusting, horrible one.

Zim, speaking: Nonsense!

_Zim hits Dib, who screams and falls offstage behind the wall._

Zim, speaking: Now prepare your brain, filthy beast of meat and hair, for your magical love adventure begins now!

**Magical Love Adventure**  
Zim: I see you've been ensnared by my suave manners and my grace!  
Now come with me, for we are destined for a fond embrace!  
Prepare yourself, for everything is finally in place...

I'm gonna take you on a magical love adventure!  
Sickeningly lovey-dovey stuff is my intent! You're  
Gonna feel the joy of  
Zim's amazing love!  
On a magical love adventure!

You'll soon have presents  
From your own special beau!  
It's magic!

You'll feel a great sense  
Of love when I bestow...

_Tak takes a piece of meat from the garbage and throws it at Zim, who screams._

Tak, 'innocently': How tragic...

Tak: Give up, Zim! I don't know where in your bloody little mind  
You came up with this foolish notion, but leave it behind!  
Zim: Ha! You know that it's for the _amazing_ Zim that you've pined!

So I'll take you on a magcial love journey-thing!  
Your heart will skip a beat, and then my praises you will sing!  
Soon, with my perfect charm,  
Your heart I'll disarm!  
Come and take the love I'm bearing!

Now come with me, Tak!  
You'll see magic on our  
Adventure!

_Tak looks annoyed._

Hey, cut me some slack!  
My love will take us far!  
I am sure!

_Tak takes the trash can and throws it over Zim's head._

Tak: You think I love you?  
If that's what you assume,  
Your mind's gone!

Listen Zim; we're through!  
Now let me be, you bloom-.  
-in' moron!

_Tak goes offstage. Zim finally manages to get the trash can off of his head._

Zim, speaking: Whoo! She must really like me! Soon I will use Tak's painfully obvious feelings of love to further my mission!

Zim: I'm gonna take you on a magical love adventure!  
I'll learn about human love, then, if it is my bent, you're  
Gonna be destroyed by  
My lasers and die!  
After this little love adventure!

_Blackout._

* * *

_Scene III: Inside Zim's House_

_Gir is watching TV when Zim enters, looking charred and covered in cole slaw._

Gir, speaking: You're on fire!

Zim, speaking: Am I?

**I Have Learned My Lesson**  
Zim: I've had enough  
Of this love stuff!  
Tak has outlived her use!

Love really stinks  
And these hijinks  
Are dumber than a moose!

I must now halt Tak's mad assault; her love I will refuse!

I can't stand what Tak's love has done to _Zim_,  
So with love I'll not be messin'!  
And I'll no longer follow a romantic whim,  
Because I have learned my lesson!  
Gir: Master has now learned his lesson!

Zim: I left Tak free  
To attack me,  
Though it was sometimes rough!

But the cole slaw  
Was the last straw!  
And Zim has had enough!

I'll put an end to Tak, my 'friend', and cease this romance stuff!

I can't handle being pelted with food__,  
So with love I'll not be messin'!  
And I'll break up with Tak, although it might be rude,  
Because I have learned my lesson!  
Gir: Master has now learned his lesson!

Zim: She's done a lot  
To wreck my plot!  
Tak has caused me alarm!

And the child  
Has caused wild  
Beasts to do me much harm!

She'll rue the day I walk away; she'll miss my roguish charm!

I don't want to be chased by rabid squirrels,  
So with love I'll not be messin'!  
And I'll no longer pretend to love foolish girls,  
Because I have learned my lesson!  
Gir: Master has now learned his lesson!

He can't deal with a human girl.  
She is way too tough for him!  
So my brave master will soon unfurl  
A plan to get her from Zim!

Zim must destroy the little girl threat!  
Otherwise, he'll be helpless!  
Tak has...

Zim, speaking: Quiet, Gir! The next time I see her, I will tell this Tak that things are over between us! The shock of being rejected by _Zim_ will surely cause her such pain that she will explode! Yes!

_The doorbell rings, and Gir peeks outside through the shades._

Gir, speaking: It's your girlfriend! Hurray!

_Gir puts on his costume, and Zim answers the door. Tak and Mimi step forward._

Zim, speaking: Ah, Tak. I'm glad you stopped by, it gives me a chance to end our hideous relationship... and enjoy your shrill cry in having been rejected by Zim! Now cry! Cry like you've never cried... before.

_Tak begins laughing maniacally. A cloud of smoke forms in front of Tak and Mimi; when it clears, they are now in their Irken forms._

Zim, speaking: Wha...? You're Irken?

**You Ruined My Life**  
Tak: You're a bigger fool  
Than I'd ever imagine!  
Stand aside; I'll rule!  
You will fail, and I'll win!

I will take the Earth;  
So, please stop what you're doin'...  
Watch me prove my worth  
As your whole life I ruin!

Zim, speaking: Eh?

Tak, speaking: You're confused. Let me explain...

Tak: I was on planet Devastis,  
The Irken training planet, as you know...  
There was a test I couldn't miss,  
And it took place there fifty years ago!

But something went wrong, do you know what?  
Some mystery Irken left me in a rut!  
Some foolish idiot stuck a knife  
In my ambitions as he ruined my life!

For, as I was busy training,  
This Irken simply _had_ to get a snack!  
Finally, without restraining,  
The snack machine he began to attack!

And do you know what the result was?  
I was unable to take the test because  
This fierce attack trapped me and shorted  
Out half the planet; my test was aborted!

Zim, speaking: So? Why are you telling me your life story, anyway?

Tak, speaking: Don't you get it?

Tak: _You_ ruined my life!  
You ruined my life!  
I could have joined the elite,  
But you ruined my life!

You ruined my life!  
You filled it with strife!  
My life became far from sweet  
When you ruined my life!

I pleaded, but to no avail,  
For seventy long years I'd have to wait!  
'Til then I'd need a garbage pail,  
For cleaning planet Dirt was now my fate!

But one thought consumed my angry mind.  
I knew that I would stop at nothing to find  
That one Irken; then I could savor  
His sad cry once I had returned the favor!

Now, I will take what should be mine!  
I'm ten times the invader you could be!  
And, with my ingenious design,  
I'll ensure that planet Earth will go to me!

Sit back and watch as I take the Earth!  
I'll use this planet to fin'lly prove myself!  
While you are left without any turf,  
I'll please my Tallest with incredible stealth!

I'll ruin your life!  
I'll ruin your life!  
You'll regret your past action  
When I ruin your life!

I'll ruin your life!  
Say 'bye' to your life!  
I'll laugh with satisfaction  
As I ruin your life!

Tak, speaking: Now watch me, and see what a _real_ invader can do!

**Steps to Conquest**  
Tak: Step one!  
This will be fun...  
Before Earth's conquest has begun,  
I will destroy your base  
So you can do nothing  
As I conquer this place!  
Zim: Ha! I know you're bluffing!  
Tak: Do you think that's the case?

Tak, speaking: Mimi! Begin to target all of the weak points in Zim's so-called base!

_Mimi runs offstage to sabotage the base._

Zim, speaking: Ha! There's no way your pitiful robot could find any weaknesses before getting caught by secu...

_Sparks fly out from the walls; Zim soon realizes that the base has been destroyed._

Zim, speaking: No! How?

Tak, speaking: A real invader knows how to outwit her enemy. Now, moving on...

Tak: Step two!  
Before I'm through,  
I will...

Zim: No, my base!  
My beautiful, beautiful base!  
We've been through a lot;  
Through each brilliant plot  
To take the human race!

Why, oh why,  
Did my perfect base have to die?  
I needed it so!  
Oh, why must it go?  
Must I now say good-bye?

_Tak clears her throat._

Tak: Step two!  
Before I'm thr...

Zim: Oh, pity!  
My fortunes have fallen quickly!  
Because, thanks to Tak,  
I can't get Earth back!  
Tak's stolen it from me!

What a day!  
My mission was stolen away!  
I'll have no more joy,  
Since I can't destroy!  
There's nothing left to say...

Tak: Step two!  
Before...

Zim: I'm distraught!  
I never will plunder or plot...

Tak, speaking: Forget it. Mimi, let's go!

_Mimi comes back onstage. The two begin to walk out the front door._

Zim, speaking: But what about your scheme?

Tak, speaking: If you won't let me finish my verse, you're not hearing it! Goodbye, Zim.

_Tak, followed by Mimi, goes offstage._

Gir, speaking: Whee! That was fun!

Zim, speaking: This is serious, Gir! She's going to destroy the Earth before me! And I can't do anything until the base has sufficiently repaired itself...

**What Am I To Do?** (http://diamond.boisestate.edu/gas/pirates/p09.mid and http://diamond.boisestate.edu/gas/pirates/p10.mid)  
Zim: What am I to do?  
Now I have no base!  
Until it has been fixed,  
I cannot give chase.

But I will soon be through  
If I can't really fight.  
Passivity's nixed...  
So I must set things right!

Without a working lab  
I cannot do a thing...  
I need lab access  
If vengeance I'll bring!

Now, it would be fab  
If I could just borrow one!  
I could then success-  
-fully finish Tak's fun!  


Gir: Yes, yes! Then Zim could finish Tak's fun!

Zim: My quandry is as follows, then:  
This girl expects me to surren-  
-der since I cannot use my base  
In time to put Tak in her place.

I need the right technology  
To defeat my new enemy!  
But what on Earth's advanced enough  
To counter Tak's own Irken stuff?

But what on Earth's advanced enough  
To counter Tak's own Irken stuff?  
But what on Earth's advanced enough  
To counter Tak's own Irken stuff?  
To counter Tak's own Irken stuff...

Gir: Did master think about asking the boy with the giant head?  
'Cause he has a lab, I think, or maybe a kitchen instead...  
If master would just ask Dib, then we could have neat science-y things...  
Or, if Dib can't help with that, he might serve us some onion rings!  
Yummy, yummy! We will get to eat onion rings!

Zim: Gir, that idea's just all wrong!  
Dib and I cannot get along!  
But what if it's the only way  
To ensure that Tak goes away?

If I and my greatest rival  
Could make a pact for survival,  
We might just both be able to  
Make sure that wannabe is through!

We might just both be able to  
Make sure that wannabe is through!  
We might just both be able to  
Make sure that wannabe is through!  
Make sure that wannabe is through...

Gir: He'll feed us tacos and chips, and then Dib will serve us some steak!  
If we're lucky, we might even get to eat ice cream and cake!

Zim: There really are no options here!  
If I do value my career  
And truly do want to get rid  
Of Tak, I must join with that kid!  
If I truly want to get rid  
Of Tak, I must join with that kid...

Zim and Gir: If we truly want to get rid  
Of Tak, we must join with that kid...  
That kid... that kid!

Zim: Wait here, Gir! I must talk to Dib, and quickly!

_Zim runs out, and the curtain falls._

* * *

**INTERMISSION**  
For tonight's performance, a sack of potatoes will be replacing Professor Membrane in the role of 'Professor Membrane', as the professor had other work to attend to. We apologize for the inconvenience.

* * *


	8. Tak, the Hideous New Girl, Act II

Tak, the Hideous New Girl: The MUSICAL! (Act 2)

* * *

_Scene I: Dib's Kitchen_

_Zim is at the kitchen table with Professor Membrane; both are drinking coffee._

Prof. M, speaking: But that's just the way it worked out.

Zim, speaking: Yeah, yeah, I know what you mean.

_Dib enters the room._

Dib, speaking: Zim!

Prof. M, speaking: Good morning, son! Your little foreign friend is here to see you!

Dib, speaking: Dad, that's the alien!

Prof. M, speaking: Of course he is! You two have fun.

_Professor Membrane leaves._

Dib, speaking: What are you doing here? Get out of my house!

Zim, speaking: No! This is too important! As much as I hate to admit it, I need your help.

**The Enemies Have A Common Enemy**  
Zim: Both our interests now require  
That we begin a cease-fire!  
We must now join to fight a common threat!  
Let's put our fight aside!

Dib: Yeah, right! Why would I join with you?  
There's nothing you could say or do  
That could convince me to ever abet  
Your cause! It's suicide!

Zim: Dib, listen to me:  
The enemies have a common enemy!  
It is Tak, she aims to take  
The Earth! Do not forsake  
Your mission! Fight Tak with me!

Dib: Ha! That cannot be!  
It's clear that you are showing jealousy!  
Since Tak likes me and hates you,  
You made a story to  
Seperate both Tak and me!

Zim: Ridiculous! You will regret  
When Tak, not me, provides the threat!  
And when your facing your ultimate doom  
You will surely repent!

Dib: I can tell that you're just jealous!  
Why else would you be so zealous  
About getting me to help? I assume  
You have a bad intent!

Zim: Ugh, why can't you see?  
This has nothing at all to do with jelly!  
Once the whole planet is squished  
I know that you'll have wished  
The destruction came from me!

How can you be so blind?  
If you just tried, you'd find  
That everything I'm telling you is true!  
Now, Earthling, step aside!  
Tak can no longer hide  
When I use your lab to ensure she's through!

Dib, speaking: Why would I believe you? You don't even have any proof!

Zim, speaking: That's funny coming from you...

Dib, speaking: Hey!

Zim, speaking: Anyway, I was able to take some photos of Tak's giant weenie stand on the way over here.

Dib, speaking: Hmm... that is unusual, but...

Zim, speaking: Now, I demand use of your lab-space so I can spy on the Tak-creature!

Dib, speaking: No way!

**I'll Work Alone  
**Dib: I'll check it out  
Right now, without  
A bit of aid from you, Zim!

Now, go away!  
What'eer you say,  
I'll never follow your whim!

I'll work alone!  
I'll try to fight the menace on my own!  
I will not team up; I must  
Pick an ally I can trust!  
So I'll work alone!

Zim, it is known  
That you will try to hurt me! You have shown  
That you want my destruction!  
Thus, our team needs reduction  
And I'll work alone!

Teaming up with my enemy  
Is the greatest nightmare I could dream up!  
You must not think that much of me  
If you think I'll fall for your dumb setup!

You'll not atone  
For what you've done to me! Leave me alone!  
And now, Zim, you vile louse  
I want you out of my house!  
Let me work alone!

Zim, speaking: Ha! You won't get rid of me that easily! I'm not leaving this room until...

_Gaz walks in and squirts soda in Zim's face. He screams._

Zim, speaking: Fine! You and your carbonated treachery may have won this time, but I'll be back!

_Zim goes offstage._

Dib, speaking: Good work, Gaz! Now watch the house while I find this weenie stand and figure out what's going on!

_Gaz squirts Dib, who angrily goes offstage. Gaz waits for a second, sips her soda, and follows Dib. A spotlight comes up on Zim, who is in the cornet of the stage._

Zim, speaking: That filthy human thinks he's won! But little does he know that I can follow him straight to Tak!

**I Will Follow Dib** (http://members.tripod.com/~dawright/followhm.mid)**  
**I will follow Dib...  
Follow Dib wherever he may spy!  
With my high-tech tracking device,  
I can follow each of his moves,  
And he'll never catch wise!

I will follow Dib...  
I will track him to Tak's secret base!  
And I will make sure her defeat  
Is utterly cruel and complete!  
Then she will see... never to cross me!

_Gir, who is also being spotlighted, runs across the stage and ends up behind Zim. He is doing a goofy dance._

Gir: He'll find Tak! He'll find Tak! He'll find Tak!  
And to do that he'll follow... he'll follow... he'll follow!

Zim, speaking: Gir, why aren't you at the base?

Gir, speaking: I found a quarter!

_Zim shrugs._

Zim: I will follow Dib...  
And I'll try to oust Tak from her place!  
The Earth I will never forsake,  
I'll show Tak that she cannot take,  
Take it away, away from my wrath!

I'll find Tak!  
Gir: Oh yes, he'll find Tak!  
Zim: I'll follow!  
Gir: He's gonna follow!  
Zim: Great wrath!  
Gir: He'll subject Earth to his great wrath!  
Zim: Once Tak's gone!  
Gir: Once Zim makes sure she's gone!  
He'll find Tak! He'll find Tak! He'll find Tak!  
And to do that he'll follow... he'll follow... he'll follow!  
He'll subject Earth to his wrath... to his wrath... to his wrath...  
Once Zim makes sure Tak is gone... Tak is gone... Tak is gone...

Zim: The Earth I will never forsake,  
I'll show Tak that she cannot take,  
Take it away, away from my wrath!

_Blackout._

* * *

_Scene II: In and Around Tak's Weenie Stand_

_On the left side of the stage, there is the service window of the weenie stand. The center is the stand interior, and the left is the back side of the building. The left is lit up; Gaz and the weenie stand employee are on the left, while Dib is climbing up the side of the building on the right._

Gaz, speaking: Hi.

**Dee-Lishus Weenies!/Climbing**  
Employee: Dee-Lishus Weenies!  
They are the greatest snack food ever made!  
Dee-Lishus Weenies!  
Their great immortal flavor shall not fade!

We have hot dogs of tofu  
And we have... uh... corn dogs, too!  
Any flavor you'd pursue  
You'll find here... um... easily!  
So, uh... well, what'll it be?

Gaz: I'm just telling you  
That my brother's trying to get inside.  
Now get the guards to  
Beat him up. Then I will be satisfied.

Employee, speaking: Uh, we have chili beans...

Gaz: My brother's searching for a  
Secret entrance so he may  
Search, and then, in some way  
Find a clue in what he sees.  
Try to understand; he's... he's...

_The left light fades, and the spotlight comes up on Dib._

Dib: Climbing!  
Climbing to the top;  
I will never stop  
'Til I find what I seek!  
I'm climbing to this building's peak!

Climbing!  
I'll explore inside  
Since I can't abide  
Secrets that I can't see!  
I'll find out what's hidden from me!

I'll soon see if what Zim told me was right!  
I'll try to find out with all of my might!

For I'm...

Searching!  
For a secret door  
No one's seen before!  
I'll find what's hidden there  
Inside Tak's bizarre weenie lair!

Searching!  
It can't be too long;  
I'll try to stay strong  
As I continue to  
Search around for a single clue!

I will succeed and find what's going on!  
I won't relent until this problem's gone!

_The right light fades and the left one comes on._

Employee: A secret entrance?  
Gaz: Yes, that's what I said!  
Employee: I... uh... work here and I haven't seen one!  
Gaz: This place is too big to just be a stand.  
Employee: There is no entrance!  
Gaz: Get it in your head  
Employee: Now please order a hot dog on a bun!  
Gaz: That the owners might have something else planned!

_The employee looks out at the rest of the stand and gives a surprised shout. The right light comes back on._

Dib: Looking!  
Employee: Now that I... uh... think of it  
Gaz: It's been fun... goodbye. But first...  
Dib: I should find it soon;  
Employee: I can remember a bit...  
Gaz: My hunger is at its worst  
Dib: It's late afternoon  
Employee: I saw these ships fly... uh... flit!  
Gaz: I wouldn't mind some bratwurst  
Dib: And I'm getting hungry!  
Employee: And inside them I could see  
Gaz: And I want some soda, too.  
Dib: Let's hope I can get in quickly!  
Employee: Weird, high-tech machinery!  
Gaz: So, can I get that from you?

Employee: Dee-Lishus Weenies!  
Dib: I need to get in!  
Employee: Here, have your weenie!  
Dib: Please let me get in...

The weenie...  
Employee: The weenie's...  
Dib: The weenie...  
Employee: The weenie's...  
Dib: Stand!  
Employee, simultaneously: Grand!

_There is an explosion in the wall near Dib._

Dib, speaking: Wow...

_The side lights fade, and the center of the stage is lit. Dib walks to the center._

Dib, speaking: Man! What is this place?

_Gaz enters, carrying a hot dog._

Gaz, speaking: It's a hot dog stand.

Dib, speaking: Gaz, what are you doing in here?

Tak, speaking from offstage: I might ask you the same question.

_Human Tak walks onstage._

Dib, speaking: Tak?

_Gaz squirts Tak with soda, and Tak shrieks._

Dib, speaking: Zim was right? _You're_ behind all this?

**Like Zim's, But Good**  
Tak: You're slightly off...  
My ruse I'll doff  
To tell my evil plan!

A confection  
Of perfection  
Which will soon destroy man!

_Gaz coughs._

Tak, speaking: Okay, humankind! Whatever. It isn't easy to rhyme all this, you know!

Tak: This stand, you see,  
Came not from me,  
But from my fake father!

I made him to  
Help with my coup  
So it's not a bother

Keeping up with appearances,  
Thus stopping interferences!

Dib: That plan sounds like Zim's...  
Tak: ...But good!  
I do what that reject should!  
I'll use things which he ignores  
To conquer and open doors  
Until my glory's understood!

Dib: You shouldn't brag;  
Your plan will flag  
People will see your con!

This stand's so big  
Someone will fig-  
-ure out what's going on!

Tak: That's where you're wrong!  
They'll go along  
For humans think nothing

Of insane schemes  
If it just seems  
Like corporate venturing!

Before too long, I'll take this Earth  
And thereby prove my immense worth!

I'll do what Zim never could!  
I'll turn this planet to pud-  
-ding when I carry out  
This plan! Without a doubt,  
I'll destroy each Earth neighborhood!

_An explosive burst of music is heard. Zim and Gir leap onstage._

**The Earth Is Mine To Destroy**  
Zim: Cease and desist!  
The Earth is mine to destroy!  
With my clenched fist,  
I'll take it back and enjoy

The pleasure of seeing cities aflame,  
The terror all over as I proclaim  
Doom to the Earth, my pathetic doomed toy!  
It's mine to destroy!

And don't think that I've forgotten the moon!  
My robot, Gir, will lord over it soon!  
Gir: I'll eat all of the cheese that's there, oh boy!  
Zim and Gir: It's ours to destroy!

Zim: You may have tried  
To take what's rightfully mine!  
Even defied  
What the Tallest have assigned!

But I will fight back until your defeat!  
You'll try to fight, but I know you'll retreat!  
And to Earth, I will my great skills employ;  
It's mine to destroy!

So, leave before I humiliate you,  
Or you'll be in tears before I am through!  
Goodbye! Leave before my wrath I deploy!  
It's mine... to... de... stroy!

Tak, speaking: Enough! I have more important things to be working on right now! Mimi, attack!

_As Tak runs offstage, Mimi dances onstage and the 'attack ballet', danced to _Mimi's Theme_, a techno mix which contains a series of electronic mews, begins. First, Mimi and Dib engage in fierce choreographed battle; when Mimi wins, Dib dances backwards away from the center stage and a percussive burst of music is heard. The same thing happens as Mimi and Zim fight. Mimi dances towards Gir, who mock-punches himself off the stage. Mimi and Gaz dance circles around each other before Gaz artfully takes out her soda can and squirts it at Mimi, who falls over in the center as the theme becomes maudlin. Gaz picks up the disk that has fallen near Mimi. As she raises it to the sky, a spotlight forms on her and a triumphant theme briefly plays. The spotlight fades._

_The left side of the stage is lit up. Zim's voot cruiser is in the background, and Zim, Gir, and Dib are onstage._

Dib, speaking: You ruined everything! She was about to tell me her plan!

Zim, speaking: Me? If you had only...

_Gaz walks onstage, disk in hand._

Dib, speaking: What's that?

Zim, speaking: It's a SIR unit's memory disk! I can use that to figure out Tak's plan!

Dib, speaking: Not so fast, Zim! That disk is ours!

Zim, speaking: What?!

**I Now See That I've Been Placed In An Awkward Situation **(http://diamond.boisestate.edu/gas/ruddigore/eyesopen.mid)  
Zim: I now see that I've been placed in an awkward situation,  
As my rival has what I need, to his obvious elation.  
But he cannot do a thing without my own high-tech resources,  
So now we are at a standstill, and I can't combat Tak's forces!

Now, I really need that disk, but I just don't know how to get it!  
Plus, I cannot let Dib help, for he may try to take the credit  
For saving the planet Earth from Tak! I'm positive I'd rather  
Get all of the praise for dealing with this silly little matter!

Gir: With this silly little matter!  
Zim: With this silly little matter!  
Gir: With this silly little matter!  
Zim: With this silly little matter!  
Gir: With this silly little matter!  
Zim: With this silly little matter!  
Both: With this silly little matter... matter... matter... matter... matter!

Gir, in background: Matter, matter, matter, matter, matter...

Dib: Now Zim, we both know that you don't have any way around it!  
You will need that disk to defeat Tak, but my sister has found it!  
You must take us to your lab, where we can decode the disk's info  
And you cannot use the disk unless you take both of us in tow.

You must choose between this compromise and losing your whole mission;  
You can let us see your lab, or spend your whole life as a has-been!  
So, unless you are now willing to give up and choose the latter  
You should join forces with us, so we can soon settle this matter!

Zim: We can soon settle this matter?  
Dib: We can soon settle this matter!  
Zim: We can soon settle this matter?  
Dib: We can soon settle this matter!  
Zim: We can soon settle this matter?  
Dib: We can soon settle this matter!  
Both: We can soon settle this matter... matter... matter... matter... matter!

Gir, in background: Matter, matter, matter, matter, matter...

Zim: You leave me no choice, Dib, but I will not accept it gladly.  
You both may go to my lab, but you must know it will end badly!  
For as soon as I have taken over this pathetic Earth rock  
You will face your awful doom and then you'll be in a state of shock

As I cackle with such joy while you are watching me take the sphere,  
And I'll take out all your brains, then I'll feed every chunk to Gir here!  
Dib: I'm quite sure I'll stop your conquest, so your skills you should not flatter.  
But a deal is a deal, even though it doesn't matter!

Zim: Even though it doesn't matter?  
Dib: Even though it doesn't matter!  
Zim: Even though it doesn't matter?  
Dib: Even though it doesn't matter!  
I'm quite sure I'll stop your conquest, so your skills you should not flatter.  
But a deal is a deal, even though it doesn't matter!  
I'm quite sure I'll stop your conquest, so your skills you should not flatter.  
But a deal is a deal, even though it doesn't matter!

All: ...Matter... matter... matter... matter!

_Blackout. _

* * *

_Scene III: Zim's Lab, The Weenie Stand, and Outer Space_

_The left side of the stage is Zim's lab, the right has a projection of the Earth from space with Zim and Tak's cruisers. In the center, there is a version of Tak's lair which has part of the interior as well as the top and a staircase going between the two sections. A large button dominates the bottom section. The background of the top shows a projection of the sky. Currently, only the left is lit up. Zim, Dib, Gir, and Gaz are onstage._

**Zim's Laboratory**  
Zim: Enter and be amazed!  
I'm sure that you two are fazed  
To see my lab's great glory!

Don't touch a thing, for I  
Must be sure that you'll comply!  
Gaz: _This_ is your laboratory?

Zim, speaking: Do not insult the lab of the great Zim, or I'll... melt your face off!

Zim: We'll put the drive in the machine  
And thereby see what Tak has seen!  
We'll know her plan! Then we can go  
To give that plan a fatal blow!

_Zim puts the drive in the computer. On the other swide of the stage, a spotlight falls on the Tak, who is in her alien form._

**You Ruined My Life (Reprise)**  
My Tallest, you never thought much  
Of the planet where Zim now spends his days.  
But I will improve that rock such  
That you will have to shower me with praise!

I'll pump out the Earth's molten core  
And fill it with sweets as an offering!  
If you are pleased and want some more,  
You two can give me a job conquering!

I'll conquer the Earth!  
I'll conquer the Earth!  
You'll see my immense talent  
When I conquer the Earth!

I'll conquer the Earth!  
I'll show you my worth!  
I know you'll love my present  
When I conquer the Earth!

_The spotlight fades._

**Zim's Laboratory (Reprise)**  
Zim: Tak stole my brilliant plot!  
Gir: No, I'm sure that she did not!  
Zim: Gir!  
Gir: Aw, don't be such a grump!

Zim: Moving on... I'll go stop  
Tak so that her plan will flop!  
Dib: I'll come and turn off the pump!

_The two run off, and Gaz approaches the computer._

Gaz: Do you have a computer game  
Inside that electronic frame?  
Computer: Sorry...  
Gaz: I'll just save the _Earth_ then...  
That way, I can play games again.

_The light fades, and a light comes up on the center of the stage. Alien Tak is on the top half, on the right side of the structure._

**My Plan Is Working (Tak's Laughing Song)**  
Tak: Ha ha, ha, ha! My plan is working!  
And soon no Irken will be shirking  
The task of giving Tak her due!  
They'll all praise me before I'm through!

Ha ha, ha ha ha! Ha ha, ha ha!  
Ha ha, ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha, ha ha ha, ha ha!

_In the background, Zim's Voot Cruiser slowly goes across the sky during the subsequent verses. Unnoticed by Tak, Dib leaps onto the back of the top structure and goes down the stairs._

Tak: Before long, I'll be an Invader!  
At last, I'll be eliminator  
Of planets! I'll conquer for Irk!  
Soon I'll do that glorious work!

Ha ha, ha ha ha! Ha ha, ha ha!  
Ha ha, ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha, ha ha ha, ha ha!

I'll be the best Invader ever!  
I'm too strong, resourceful, and clever  
For any to doubt my greatness!  
I'll win; my Tallest deserve no less!

Ha ha, ha ha ha! Ha ha, ha ha!  
Ha ha, ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha, ha ha ha, ha... hey!

Tak, speaking: What are you doing, Zim? Don't you know that you could never possibly defeat an Invader as skilled as I am? I won't let you get away with this!

_She runs off after the Voot Cruiser, and the light fades. The left light comes up again; Gaz and Gir are onstage. Gaz puts the hard drive in Gir's head._

Gaz, speaking: According to the computer, we can remote control Tak's robot with this thing. Now do things! Make it go crazy!

Gir, speaking: Only if you dance with me!

Gaz, speaking: What?

_Gir snaps and a disco ball comes down. He dances, and a tune begins to play._

**Dancing Scene** (http://www.angelfire.com/ma2/Gem/images/Dncqueen.mid)  
Gaz: Let's wreck that SIR's hard drive...  
Gir: While we try "stayin' alive"!  
See these moves, aren't they keen?  
Let's make a dancing scene!

Friday night and we need to save  
The Earth, but we have time to rave!  
Let's put on some fun music and let's dance around!  
We'll party to the sound...

Gaz: Never! I will not even try!  
Gir: Aw, come on, will you please be my  
Dancing buddy for tonight? Then we'll party down!  
I'm in the mood for a dance...  
Let's move around and prance!

_Gaz shrugs and reluctantly joins in._

Let's make a dancing scene!  
Watch my feet;  
Check out my routine!  
Dancing scene!  
Ain't it neat?  
I'm a dance machine!

Gaz: Let's wreck that SIR's hard drive...  
Gir: While we try "stayin' alive"!  
See these moves, aren't they keen?  
Let's make a dancing scene!

Gaz: Now, make Tak's robot go insane!  
Put your madness inside its brain...  
Gir: That sounds like a good idea, but first I'll boogie!  
I'm in the mood for a dance...  
Let's move around and prance!

Let's make a dancing scene!  
Watch my feet;  
Check out my routine!  
Dancing scene!  
Ain't it neat?  
I'm a dance machine!

Gaz: Let's wreck that SIR's hard drive...  
Gir: While we try "stayin' alive"!  
See these moves, aren't they keen?  
Let's make a dancing scene!

_As the two continue to dance, the light fades and the center light comes on. Dib is running/dancing around frantically, oblivious to the rather obviously placed button in the center._

**Where Is It?**  
Dib: I'm sure that Tak has expertly  
Hidden the off-switch from me,  
For it is out of my sight!

No matter how obsurely placed,  
I will find that switch with haste  
And save the Earth from its blight!

Where is it?  
Where could it be?  
I need to stop the pump  
Or Earth is history!

With my wit  
I'll try to see  
It before Earth's a lump  
Of sugar and candy!

I'll look through every single place  
Inside Tak's enormous base  
Until I can save the day!

Now where in here could that switch be?  
It's impossible to see!  
I must turn it off some way!

_The lights fade and come up on the right part of the stage, where Zim and Tak (with Mimi) are 'chasing' each other in their cruisers. In the background, one can see the Earth, with its magma core pouring out._

**The Chase**  
Tak: You won't catch me!  
Soon you will see  
Your own inferiority!

Zim: That's what you think!  
You really stink!  
You won't be able to hoodwink...

Zim! For I'm great!  
It is my fate  
To take the planet on a plate!

Tak: Try to catch me, I will give chase!  
Mimi: Meow... meow...  
Tak: You won't be able to catch me!  
Mimi: Meow.... meow...  
Tak: And you will never take that place...  
Mimi: Meow... meow...  
Tak: For you're incompetent, you see!

Zim: Say what you will; your time is short!  
I'm the real Invader here!  
And... uh... some other cruel retort!  
My superiority's clear!

_The whole stage becomes lit up, with the characters participating in their respective scenes. Mimi gets more and more insane as the scene progresses._

Tak: The Earth is good as destroyed now!  
Dib: Tak's hidden this switch well, all right!  
Mimi/Gir: Let's make a dancing scene!  
Watch my feet;  
Tak: You can't get the switch off in time!  
Dib: I could be searching all night  
Mimi/Gir: Check out my routine!  
Dancing scene!  
Tak: And, Zim, I would never allow  
Dib: To get to what I must find  
Mimi/Gir: Ain't it neat?  
I'm a dance machine!  
Tak: You to take what's rightfully mine!

Tak: Mimi, what are you doing now?  
Dib: But I must hurry; there's no time!  
Mimi/Gir: Let's make a dancing scene!  
Watch my feet;  
Tak: Will you please stop this foolishness?  
Dib: And I'll not commit the crime  
Mimi/Gir: Check out my routine!  
Dancing scene!  
Tak: You know well that I don't allow  
Dib: Of dooming all of mankind!  
Mimi/Gir: Ain't it neat?  
I'm a dance machine!  
Tak: This dancing! You're making a mess!

_There is a percussive burst of music, followed by silence. Tak's ship is engulfed in smoke as it sinks below the stage. Tak, wearing a space helmet, is in a state of shock. Everyone is perfectly still until Dib finally spots the button._

Dib, speaking: How did I miss that?

_He presses the button. Simultaneously, the projection on the right side changes; the magma is going back inside the Earth. Tak looks on in horror. Now, only the right part of the stage is lit up._

Tak, speaking: No! I don't know how you did it, Zim...

Zim: Ha, ha! Nobody can steal Zim's mission! Nobody!

_Tak grabs on to Zim's ship. Zim begins singing, and he is so engrossed in the tune that he does not listen to Tak._

**Victory is Mine/You're Not Even An Invader**  
Zim: Victory is mine, yes, I can feel it!  
Tak: You're not even an Invader, you know!  
Zim: Victory sublime, it's so real it  
Tak: You're simply an ordinary Joe...  
Zim: Feels like I will succeed before long.

I've defeated my enemy,  
Tak: You're really a deluded bloke!  
Zim: But that was done quite easily,  
Tak: Your mission's nothing but a joke!  
Zim: For how could my great genius do wrong?

_Tak cannot hold on any longer and is swept up into space._

It's so close, I can taste it,  
Tallest, your trust was not wasted  
For victory is mine, yes, victory... is mine!

Zim, speaking: Ha ha ha! Ha ha, ha ha ha!... Okay.

_Zim sips an Irken soda. Blackout._

* * *

_Scene IV: On The Roof of the Membrane House_

_Dib is sitting with some of his paranormalist gear._

**Worlds Of Incredible Beauty**  
Dib: I have been given a small clue  
Of what exists in outer space...  
It just whets my appetite to  
Explore the worlds outside this place...  
I'd give anything to pursue  
This small but tantalizing trace!

There must be worlds of incredible beauty  
That are waiting to be found!  
And, with all my being, I wish to view the  
Worlds that exist all around!

Imagine the creatures, the cultures, the lands  
That are just out of my reach!  
I'd do anything to touch, with my two hands  
A faraway plain or beach!

But alas, I'm stuck on the Earth  
And it is only in my mind  
That I can explore foreign turf  
And just leave this planet behind!  
My heart would swell with joy and mirth  
If these strange worlds I could only find!

There must be worlds of incredible beauty  
Throughout the whole galaxy!  
And I consider it to be my duty  
To fin'lly leave Earth and see

The amazing planets that lie just beyond  
And need some exploration!  
I'd travel as an outer space vagabond  
To each alien nation!

But why should I even bother?  
I should try and become resigned.  
When would I, Dib, get an offer  
To leave the planet Earth behind?

_A cardboard version of Tak's ship falls to stage near Dib. Dib excitedly approaches the ship._

**A Ship**  
Dib: What's this? Tak's ship?  
Can I now take a trip  
To see the great wonders of outer space?

A twist of fate  
Has fortunately cate-  
-red to my desire to leave this place!

I can see myself careening  
Through the blackness of space in this ship!  
And I shall discover meaning  
As through the wide universe I slip!

I'll see planets and suns!  
Quasars and tons  
Of aliens all around me!

As I sail around  
I will be bound  
To marvel at all that I see!

I will soon travel everywhere;  
Adventure will never again lack!  
I'll sail around without care  
In this ship that I got thanks to Tak!  
Thanks... to... Tak!

_The entire cast comes out and joins Dib in a chorus line._

**Tak!** (http://www.broadwaymidi.com/down/CL-One-TW.mid)  
Cast: Tak!  
What a vengeful Irken;  
Watch her try to defeat Zim!

Tak!  
Constantly she's workin'  
To make a fool of him!

With her robot and her cruiser she's hard... to... beat!  
And we won't forget to mention her vile... lunch... meat!

Tak!  
With her violent fury, it is very evident  
She needs anger management!  
She lacks  
Tact!

She could  
Conquer Earth any day!  
We would  
Get right out of her way!  
So... that's... Tak!

_The cast bows, and the curtain falls._

* * *

**THE END**  
The production of this musical has been generously supported by subsidies form Sloth Inc. and Procrastination Ltd., with an additional grant from the Y. R. U. Dointhizz Temporary Insanity Fund. _Tak, The Hideous New Girl - The MUSICAL!_ will be airing on your local PBS affiliate this September as part of weiner verse month.

* * *


	9. Dib's Wonderful Life of Doom, Act I

Dib's Wonderful Life of Doom: The MUSICAL! (Act 1)

* * *

Note: I now have included URLs of MIDIs in all the cases where the song is a parody. Note that the verses are slightly different is some cases (it's generally pretty obvious what should go with what, though). 

* * *

_Scene I: The Cafeteria_

_It is lunchtime, and kids are eating in the cafeteria. Dib and Gaz are at a table in the front left of the stage, while Zim's table is in the front on the right side. The spotlight is on Dib and Gaz._

**Things are Gonna Change**  
Dib: Why am I the only one  
To know that Zim's really an alien?  
Why haven't I... la, la... done  
Something to prove the others' 'fail-ien'?

I won't let Zim stay around!  
I'll show that everything I said is true!  
He will soon be... um, uh... found!  
As I won't let him do... them things he do!

Gaz, speaking: 'Them things he do?'

Dib, speaking: You know what I mean!

Gaz: As your sister, I must say  
A bit of advice that I truly mean:  
Just shut up and go away!  
Because with you I don't want to be seen.

_Gaz begins playing on her Game Slave._

Dib: Listen Gaz...  
Things are gonna change!  
Soon, 'fantazz-  
-tic' things I'll... arrange!  
I'll do something to  
Stop them things he do!  
Things are gonna change!

_Gaz glares at Dib condescendingly. Dib gets a bit flustered._

Dib, speaking: Give me a break! Rhyming is hard, you know!

Gaz, speaking: Sure...

Dib: Someday I will take action,  
And once I do that, I'll... la, la... feel  
La, la, la... satisfaction!  
And that result to me does appeal!

Today things will be diff'rent!  
I will act, and this will change things for good!  
I'll no longer be content  
To let Zim act as he... la, la... would!

And this will be so forever!  
Starting today, Zim really should look out!  
I'll make a plan so... so...

Gaz, speaking: Clever?

Dib: That Zim will surely lose without a doubt!

I am sure  
Things are gonna change!  
Zim's tenure  
Has been... la, la... strange,  
But it ends right now!  
For today I vow  
Things are gonna change!

I know, Gaz...  
Things are gonna change!  
Certain as...

_Dib grabs a nearby orange._

I hold this or-_ange_!  
Though I haven't yet,  
I will stop the threat!  
Things are gonna change!  
Yes, things are gonna change!

Gaz, speaking: Uh-huh...

Dib, speaking: No, really! I'm gonna... I'm gonna...

_Dib finally looks at the muffin on his tray. His eyes light up._

Dib, speaking: Watch this, Gaz!

_A second spotlight comes up on Zim._

**I'm Normal!/The Muffin**  
Zim: Watch me! I'm consumin'  
My food like a normal human!  
It's so scrumptious to my normal boy belly!  
Yummy! It's delicious!  
So you shouldn't be suspicious  
Of who I am. Children, don't you dare tell me...

I'm not normal! I'm normal!  
I am so very normal!  
There is no human more normal than Zim!

So don't say that I'm bizarre!  
I'm as normal as you are!  
To say I'm odd is going on a limb!

I love this skool meal!  
This food has a great appeal!  
There's nothing better than this delicious food!  
My tongue can't get enough  
Of cafeteria food-stuff!  
So everyone must naturally conclude...

That I'm normal! I'm normal!  
I am so very normal!  
There is no human more normal than Zim!

So don't say that I'm bizarre!  
I'm as normal as you are!  
To say I'm odd is going on a limb!

_Meanwhile, Dib is holding the muffin and preparing to throw it._

Dib: Oh, dear muffin of blueberry  
I want you to pummel Zim! You should  
Hit him very, very, very  
Very, very, very, very good!  
Understood?

Now, fly straight to Zim's crainium  
And please hit him very, very hard!  
So, muffin, hit his brain-ium  
Hit his brain very, very, uh... hard.  
I'll discard...

This muffin so I'll hit him!  
Oh, muffin, please go hit Zim!

Zim: I am ordinary!  
Dib: Listen to my pathetic rhyme.  
Zim: I am so normal, it's scary!  
Dib: Muffin, I will not eat you; instead  
Zim: I'm a normal little human boy worm-beast!  
Dib: Let me commit la, la, la... the crime  
Zim: So just leave me alone  
Dib: Of hitting my rival in the head!  
Zim: As, I, Zim have completely shown  
Dib: Like I said...  
Zim: That all rumors that I'm weird should be deceased!

Dib: It's time that you served your purpose!  
Zim: Yes, I'm normal! I'm normal!  
Dib: So la, la... I will throw you right now!  
Zim: I am so very normal!  
Dib: I will not let Zim usurp us!  
Zim: There is no human more normal than Zim!  
Dib: Muffin, deliver a heavy bl_-ow_!

Zim: So don't say that I'm bizarre!  
Dib: Then, somehow...  
Zim: I'm as normal as you are!  
Dib: It will let me save the Earth!  
Zim: To say I'm odd is going on a limb!  
Dib: Muffin, prove your muffin worth! 

_Accompanied by a musical flourish, Dib tosses the muffin, and it hits Zim._

Zim, speaking: Who did this? Who dares to soil my normal-boy head with this... pork cow?

Poonchy, speaking: That's a stinkin' muffin!

Zim, speaking: Silence! Whatever this is, I will find out who threw it! And this... thrower-beast will regret having shown insolence to Zim!

_A spooky tune begins to play, and all the lights, save the spotlight on Zim, dim. _

**Zim Will Soon Have His Revenge** (http://www.broadwaymidi.com/down/SweeneyTodd-BalladOfSweeneyTodd02.mid)  
Zim: Now listen, you defiant one...  
You went ahead and you had your fun,  
But you will live to regret your prank  
And for that you'll only have yourself to thank!

You chose to throw this _thing_ at Zim!  
Your future's grim...  
For Zim will soon have his revenge!

Poonchy, speaking: But it's just a muffin!

Zim, speaking: Quiet, filth creature!

Zim: Sleep well, for you don't have much time  
Before I punish you for your crime!  
And this will be your last peaceful sleep  
Before my revenge I am able to reap!

Your future's...  
Your future's grim...  
For Zim will soon have his revenge!

Poonchy, speaking: But we're not asleep now!

_Zim growls, but continues with his song._

Zim: I cannot forgive how you  
Threw _this_ at me! Hence,  
You will see, I guarantee,  
My vengeance!

Your fate will be the worst of all  
And I will cackle at your sad fall!  
There isn't a thing that you can do,  
For I'll stop at nothing to get back at you!

Your life will soon be looking dim...  
Your future's grim...  
For Zim will soon have his revenge!

Poonchy, speaking: But...

_Zim screams and runs offstage._

Dib, speaking: Wow.

Gaz, speaking: Actually, that was kinda funny...

_Blackout._  


* * *

_Scene II: Dib's Room_

_Dib is asleep. Two Meekrob aliens dance onstage as a soft, light tune plays._

**Meekrob Aliens Are We**  
Meekrob 1 & 2: Meekrob aliens are we:  
Beings of pure energy.  
We've come so far  
From our home star  
To visit this child today!

We have come for a reason;  
By fixing the mix he's in  
We desire  
To conspire  
So that Irk's empire will fray!

As you can easily see,  
Meekrob aliens are we!  
And, so, we do come with glee  
To give an opportunity!

Meekrob 1: We will give this boy the might  
To put up a better fight  
Against the Irk-  
-ens who are work-  
-in' to destroy both of our homes.

Meekrob 2: We'll make him faster, stronger...  
And get him to live longer.  
Though he's not yet,  
He'll be a threat  
When we enhance his chromosomes!

Meekrob 1 & 2: As you can easily see,  
Meekrob aliens are we!  
And, so, we do come with glee  
To give an opportunity!

_Dib starts yawning._

But, hush! We Meekrob should now be demurring.  
For it seems the Dib creature now is stirring.

_The Meekrob grab shoe suits from behind the desk, but not soon enough that Dib doesn't see them first._

Dib, speaking: Who... what... what are you? And what's with the shoe suits?

**Meekrob Aliens Are We (Reprise)**  
Meekrob 1: Meekrob aliens are we:  
Beings of...

_Meekrob 2 coughs._

Meekrob 2, speaking: Aren't you being a bit redundant, old chap?

Meekrob 1, speaking: Whoops, forgive me. Anyway, Dib... Dib... whatever your last name is...

Dib, speaking: That's right.

Meekrob 1, speaking: We are the Meekrob.

Meekrob 2, speaking: We are beings of pure energy. This is merely a form your human brain can understand.

Dib, speaking: But you just looked like aliens.

Meekrob 1, speaking: But you couldn't comprehend that.

Dib, speaking: Uh, yes I could...

Meekrob 2, speaking: Never mind. We have come to aid you in your battle with our common enemy... the Irken empire!

**Things Are Gonna Change (Reprise)**  
Meekrob 1 & 2: Because we're in the same boat  
We would like to give your mission a lift.  
We'll let your cause stay afloat;  
To help, we'll bestow on you a great gift!

Now, for you  
Things are gonna change!  
Yes, it's true!  
For we will arrange  
To get what you need  
To fin'lly succeed!  
Things are gonna change!

Dib, speaking: But... how? And why me?

Meekrob 1, speaking: I'm glad you asked that...

**You Will Be Great!**  
Meekrob 1 & 2: We intend to  
Bestow on you  
Strength and glory!

So that you will  
Have the great thrill  
Of a victory!

So, Dib, this is the deal:  
To help you succeed, we'll  
Grant abilities  
So that Zim flees!

Meekrob 1: You will be great!  
Meekrob 2: You will be great!  
Meekrob 1 & 2: You will be great!  
You will have superhuman powers before it's too late!  
And we both know  
That you will show...  
The Irkens that you cannot mess  
With Dib or Earth, unless  
They want to rue their fate...  
For you'll be great!

And we chose you  
Because we knew  
You'd fix the rift!

Plus, your huge skull  
Was capable  
Of holding our gift!

Dib: But what do you guys mean?  
How will this... 'begeen'?  
Meekrob 2: Stop! There is no time  
For your bad rhyme!

_Dib gets embarassed._

Meekrob 1: You will be great!  
Meekrob 2: You will be great!  
Meekrob 1 & 2: You will be great!  
We'll hand you everything you ever wanted on a plate!  
Powers you'll use  
Howe'er you choose!  
But we know that, what'eer your aim,  
You will win worldwide fame!  
Because, at any rate...  
You will be great!

Meekrob 1, speaking: Here you go... have fun!

_The Meekrob wave their hands in a 'magical' way, and a cloud of smoke appears in front of Dib. After a moment, Dib steps out from behind the smoke._

Dib, speaking: Hey, that hurt!

Meekrob 1, speaking: Ha ha... yes.

Meekrob 2, speaking: Well, now you have the power to defend the Earth like never before! Have a nice life.

Meekrob 1: You will be great!  
Meekrob 2: You will be great!  
Meekrob 1 & 2: You will be great!  
Your efforts to defend the Earth will take on real weight!  
You'll use your skill  
Quite well, until  
You've achieved ev'ry desire  
To which you aspire!  
Now, starting on this date...  
You will be great!

_The Meekrob dance offstage. Dib is stunned._

Dib, speaking: Can this be true? Is my life really going to change? Naw, this has to be some sort of dream.

_Dib goes back to sleep. Blackout._

* * *

_Scene III: Dib's Kitchen and Zim's Base_

_Gaz is at the kitchen table when a cheerful-looking Dib enters._

Dib, speaking (aside): Was it really just a dream? I feel... different.

_Dib shrugs and begins humming a sprightly tune as he skips towards the table._

**Isn't This A Beautiful Morning**?  
Dib: Isn't this a beautiful morning?  
Nature pulled out all the stops,  
Giving us, without any warning,  
A daybreak that is the tops!

With a golden sun,  
The day has begun  
In a great, won-  
-derous way!  
Isn't this a beautiful morning?  
It's gonna be a beautiful day!

_Dib sits down at the table. The musical theme plays underneath._

Gaz, speaking: You're... rhyming?

Dib, speaking: I am?

_Pause._

Dib, speaking: You're right, Gaz, I am!

Gaz, speaking: Ugh...

_The toaster beeps and a piece of toast flies up. Dib, on wires, jumps up and grabs the toast in mid-air. When he lands in his seat again, he holds out his arm as the butter floats toward his hand. He quickly butters his toast and takes a bite before resuming his song._

Dib: Isn't this a beautiful morning?  
Everything is in its place!  
There is nothing I could be scorning;  
Of a fault there is no trace!

I know today will be fantastic!  
Things will change, and they'll be great!  
Changes will be great and drastic  
To my once mis'rable fate!

Though it may sound strange,  
I can sense a change  
In close range  
Of today!  
Isn't this a beautiful morning?  
Oh, isn't this a beautiful morning?  
Yes, it's got to be a beautiful morning!  
And it's gonna be a beautiful... marvelous... amazing... sensational... day!

_Professor Membrane enters._

Prof M., speaking: Son, you're looking in good spirits today! You must've seen the light about studying real science!

Dib, speaking: No, dad! These alien shoes came into my room and gave me some kind of gift! I know how that sounds, but it's true!

_Professor Membrane whips out some special goggles and puts them on._

Prof M., speaking: Those aliens were demented hallucinations, but your DNA does seem to have evolved beyond that of normal human beings!

Gaz, speaking: Hmmm... I _guess_ I'm sorry about being so mean to you all those times, then.

Dib, speaking: Well, then, uh... go to your room!

Gaz, speaking: Okay.

_Gaz and Professor Membrane walk offstage. Dib is stunned._

Dib, speaking: This is... this is just incredible! I should... I should see if this whatever it is really will help me deal with Zim! I'm gonna head over to his base! Hey... I'm speaking out loud to myself in an unnatural manner. Oh well! Now, what should I do next? I know! I'll sing out loud in an unnatural manner!

**I Was Just A Normal Human ** (http://diamond.boisestate.edu/gas/pinafore/web_opera/pn16.mid)  
Dib: I was just a normal human;  
Though I could see danger loomin',  
I could never make Zim retreat,  
For I didn't have the means.  
I had no power to defeat,  
Plus, I couldn't rhyme worth beans!

I was weak and I was helpless;  
My efforts to win were small.  
But, thanks to the Meekrobs' largess,  
I will fin'lly see Zim's fall!

_After Dib sings the original line, he points in a certain direction and an echo repeats the line from that direction._

Now I'll win; there is no contest!  
Echo (Left): Now I'll win; there is no contest!  
Dib: I can stop Zim from his conquest!  
Echo (Right): I can stop Zim from his conquest!

Dib and Echoes: Now I have amazing power!  
I can win quite easily!  
I shall make Zim's plans go sour  
With my great ability!

Dib: I have so many great powers.  
I could talk of them for hours!  
I can race across vast landscapes  
In just fifteen seconds flat,  
And then eat tons of greasy crepes  
Without ever getting fat!

I was weak and I was helpless;  
My efforts to win were small.  
But, thanks to the Meekrobs' largess,  
I will fin'lly see Zim's fall!

Now I'll win; there is no contest!  
Echo (Left): Now I'll win; there is no contest!  
Dib: I can stop Zim from his conquest!  
Echo (Right): I can stop Zim from his conquest!

Dib and Echoes: Now I have amazing power!  
I can win quite easily!  
I shall make Zim's plans go sour  
With my great ability!

Dib: I'm at such a great advantage  
That I know I'll surely manage  
To ensure Zim's final defeat!  
And with record-breaking speed  
My victory will be complete!  
I know that I will succeed!

I was weak and I was helpless;  
My efforts to win were small.  
But, thanks to the Meekrobs' largess,  
I will fin'lly see Zim's fall!

Now I'll win; there is no contest!  
Echo (Left): Now I'll win; there is no contest!  
Dib: I can stop Zim from his conquest!  
Echo (Right): I can stop Zim from his conquest!

Dib: I was weak and I was helpless;  
Echo (Left): Now I have amazing power!  
Dib: All thanks to the Meekrobs' largess,  
Echo (Right): I shall make Zim's plans go sour!  
Dib and Echoes: My efforts to win were small.  
My efforts to win were small.  
Now I'll fin'lly see Zim's fall!  
I will fin'lly see Zim's fall!

Dib, speaking: Now, to go to Zim's base and spy on him! No! I'm sick of waiting and watching! It's time to take some action! I'm... talking out loud some more!

_As a dramatic theme plays, a spotlight goes on Dib and he 'flies' through the air on wires. When he lands on the right side of the stage, it is lit up to reveal the outside of Zim's base. Zim opens the door._

Zim, speaking: Huh?

**I Have Something To Tell You**  
Dib: Enough is enough!  
I've waited for too long!  
It's time I did stuff  
To right this awful wrong!

Zim, speaking: Dib? You can... rhyme?

Dib: Yes, Zim, I can rhyme,  
And I'll do even more!  
Listen, and in time,  
You'll end this wicked war!

I have something to tell you, Zim!  
Something that will make you stop your schemes!  
I'll put a stop to your cruel whim  
And fin'lly end your invading dreams!

Now, here's the first thing:  
You...

_The curtain abruptly falls._

Dib, speaking but muffled: Hey! I'm not finished!

_The kid chorus dances onstage._

**Unfortuately Necessary**  
Kids: Time lapses can't occur on stage,  
So your attention we'll engage!  
We are unfortunately  
Necessary!

If we let Dib sing his whole song  
This play would be eight hours long!  
So we're unfortunately  
Necessary!

Just know Dib's droning on and on  
About why Zim should soon be gone!  
While we distract  
Sara: Unfortunately distract...  
Kids: So, time to get back on track!  
Sara: Necessary to get back on track...  
Kids: Back to the act!

_The chorus dances offstage, and the curtain rises._

Dib, speaking: And that's all I have to say about that!

Zim, speaking: Well, I can't argue with that, Dib. You've won. I'm giving myself up to the Earth authorities. It's been nice working with you, Gir. Now, self destruct.

Gir, offstage: Finally!

_An explosion is heard. Zim walks outside and enters a police car that comes offstage. After it leaves, Dib sits in stunned silence for a moment before speaking. Music begins to play._

Dib, speaking: Wow! This feeling... the power... it isn't going away! Things really are going to be different for me! At last, I'll finally get to solve all the mysteries I've been wondering about! For...

**I Am Dib!** (http://www.midifarm.com/files/midifiles/playFile.aspx?id=1753)  
Dib: I am Dib!  
I am Dib!  
I've got power incredib-  
-le that will allow me to solve ev'ry  
Problem! That's no fib!

For mankind  
I will find  
The entire truth behind  
Ev'ry paranormal story,  
Giving me great fame and glory!

I will show  
What I know!  
And old theories I will blow!  
That's the truth, for I'm not simply being glib!  
Now I will plan a rivet-  
-ing life, and I'll live it!  
I am Dib!  
I am Dib!  
I am Dib!

I am sure  
I'll endure!  
I will successfully lure  
All the spooky creatures who  
Are hidden and a bit obscure!

It will be  
Quite easy  
For someone as great as me!  
Paranormal creatures beware!  
You can't hide, for I will be there!

I will go  
To and fro  
Looking for them as I grow!  
I'll find them around the globe, from France to Tib-

-et, Morocco and Spain!  
People will praise my brain!  
They will adlib  
Phrases glib  
About the wonderful Dib!  
I am Dib!  
I am Dib!  
I am Dib!

Life was so depressing  
Before I got this great blessing  
Of amazing power from those two Meekrob.  
I tried vainly to defend the planet,  
But I wasn't too good at my job.

For years I have wanted  
To explore the strange and haunted.  
But I never could; I needed something first.  
I kept hoping something great would happen...  
Now I have the power!  
Spooky monsters ought to cower!

For I'm Dib!  
I am Dib!  
And I'm sure that a blue rib-  
-bon I'll win once I begin  
To show the world the incredib-

-le unknown  
And unshown  
Animals that I alone  
Will be able to discover!  
Look out, world; you should take cover!

It's my fate  
To be great!  
And I really cannot wait  
To prove paranomal things are no mere fib!

I will amaze the world  
Once my plans are unfurled!  
For I am Dib!  
Cast, offstage: He is Dib!  
Dib: I am Dib!  
Cast, offstage: He is Dib!

_The whole cast comes out to sing and dance in the background while Dib does an amazing dance routine._

Cast: He is Dib!  
He is Dib!  
And no one will ever quib-  
-ble or raise a doubt that he's about to  
Show the pow'r of Dib!

He can't fail!  
He'll prevail  
Without struggle or travail!  
We know that he will amaze you,  
And we'll dedicate our praise to...

This young boy!  
He'll employ  
All his strength, so we'll enjoy  
Knowing all about the scary and terrib-  
-ble things that lurk beyond  
Of which he is quite fond!  
For he is Dib!  
He is Dib!  
He is Dib!  
Yes, he is Dib!

_Dib ends his dance routine by somersalting high in the air and doing a perfect landing. Confetti and balloons fall from the ceiling, and the curtain falls._

* * *

**INTERMISSION**  
The role of 'Professor Membrane', originated by Professor Membrane but recently played by Mr. Sacque O'Potatoes, has had to be changed again due to a budget dispute. Until further notice, the role will be played by Martha Stewart. We would like to thank the city police for making this arrangement possible.

* * *


	10. Dib's Wonderful Life of Doom, Act II

Dib's Wonderful Life of Doom: The MUSICAL! (Act 2)

* * *

Note: Partially as a result of these musicals, I have created 'Broadway style' pictures of Zim, Dib, Gir, and Gaz. They are:  
Zim - http://www.side7.com/cgi-bin/S7SDB/DisplayImg.pl?INO=203716  
Dib - http://www.side7.com/cgi-bin/S7SDB/DisplayImg.pl?INO=202707  
Gaz - http://www.side7.com/cgi-bin/S7SDB/DisplayImg.pl?INO=203252  
Gir - http://www.side7.com/cgi-bin/S7SDB/DisplayImg.pl?INO=203945 

* * *

_Scene I: Nowhere In Particular, Lab_

_On the central part of the stage, there are three curtains. On the right side of the stage, there is a lab; Zim is in a centrally placed tube there. At the beginning of the act, only the central stage is lit up. A crowd is on stage awaiting Dib. They begin to sing slowly and excitedly._

**I Am Dib! (Reprise)**  
Crowd: Where is he?  
Where is he?  
The kid that made history  
By showing that aliens existed!  
Now where could he be?

He's so great!  
He's top-rate!  
We just wish he wasn't late!  
We are all dying to greet him;  
Where is Dib? We want to meet him...

_Teen Dib 'flies' to the center of the stage and lands next to Alan (a reporter)._

Dib, speaking: Sorry I'm late! There was a little matter with zombie geese that I had to deal with.

Alan, speaking: Ah, yes. Well, what will be your next great adventure?

Dib, speaking: I'm out to prove even more paranormal things. Just watch me!

**I Will Find Everything** (http://www.whyaduck.com/sounds/midi/spalding.mid)  
Dib: This is just the beginning  
Of my paranormal quest!  
For, as you all might have guessed,  
I will find everything!

Crowd: And we will all be grinning  
As soon as Dib's discovered,  
Revealed, and uncovered  
The truth of everything!  
We know Dib will find everything!

_He pulls back the first curtain to discover... ghosts. The crowd cheers._

Alan: Hi, I am a reporter, talking live to you for channel nine,  
And I just have one simple thing to ask you.  
How can one human be so great?  
You've put tons of jobs on your plate  
And you've completed each ambitious task, too!

Crowd: Dib's completed each ambitious task, too!  
He's done ev'ry task!

Alan: You never fail to amaze;  
You've done so much that's worth our praise!  
How do you do it? That's what I must ask you!

Dib: It has not really been any trouble!

Crowd: Dib is so great, that it was no trouble...  
Oh yes, he's amazing!  
Dib is the best!

Dib rocks! We know he'll complete  
His grand paranormal quest!  
Because he's simply the best,  
He will find everything!

We know that it will be neat  
To see him; we are certain!  
Dib, pull back the next curtain!  
Reveal everything!  
We know Dib will find everything!

_The crowd dances in front of Dib. They dance away, revealing a slightly older Dib, who is holding the hand of Girlfriend #1._

Dib: Monsters I will be showing.  
Because I wish  
To soon finish  
The quest of knowing.  
And soon, you see,  
All Earth to me  
Will soon be owing.

_Dib moves toward the curtain._

For, once I show this thing,  
Glory my fans will bring,  
As well as reputation glowing!

For there is no mistake,  
That, underneath this lake,  
Where many people are often seen rowing,

There are several monsters swimming here  
Who I've been carefully following.

I, Dib, paranormal sleuth  
Will show you it's the truth...

_Dib quickly pulls back the second curtain to reveal a bunch of lake monsters._

Crowd: Wow! 

Dib: Now I must be going.

Crowd: Dib rocks! We know he'll complete  
His grand paranormal quest!  
Because he's simply the best,  
He will find everything!

We know that it will be neat  
To see him; we are certain!  
Dib, pull back the next curtain!  
Reveal everything!  
We know Dib will find everything!

_The crowd dances in front of Dib. They dance away, revealing a thirty year-old Dib, who is holding the hand of Girlfriend #2._

Alan: There's one more monster to find out.  
We hope that Dib can do it!

Dib: I will find Bigfoot; that I swear!  
To hide from me he shouldn't dare!  
So I'll pursue it!

Crowd: Let's hope that Dib can find the nasty lout!

Alan: And now the time is drawing near;  
Dib will have greater renown

When he has discovered the beast  
And his great quest has fin'lly ceased!

Dib: I won't let you down!

Crowd: We cannot wait for Bigfoot to appear!

_Dib pulls back the final curtain to reveal Bigfoot. The crowd erupts with excitement._

Crowd: Dib rocks! We know he'd complete  
His grand paranormal quest!  
Because he's simply the best,  
He has found everything!

We knew that it would be neat  
To see him, and we were right!  
For Dib used all of his might  
To show us everything!

He put all his reliance  
In courage and defiance,  
To further parascience!  
Hey, hey!

Dib: I knew that I could do it!  
With great speed and precision,  
I've completed my mission!

Crowd: Hooray, hooray, hooray!

He put all his reliance  
In courage and defiance,  
To further parascience!  
Hey, hey!

Hooray for Dib, our hero!  
What could we do without him?  
He's done it all  
With no pitfall,  
And that is why we say,  
Hooray, hooray, hooray!

Alan, speaking: Well, Dib, you've just proven every paranormal theory ever created! What are you going to do now?

Dib, speaking: I'm going to Disn...

Alan, speaking: Sorry, but their lawyers won't let you use their trademark.

Dib, speaking: Oh. Uh, I guess I'll visit Zim, then.

_The main stage lights dim, and lights come up on the lab. Dib enters with Girlfriend #2._

Dib, speaking: It's been a long time, Zim.

Zim, speaking: Twenty of your years, to be precise. And me, enduring these indignities! The only reason I have not tried to escape is because it amuses me!

Dib, speaking: Amuses you to what?

Zim, speaking: Ah yes... the invasion.

**The Invasion**  
Zim: You may believe  
That you have won.  
But the true war  
Has just begun!

I don't deceive;  
Dib, be afraid!  
You are doomed, for  
They will invade!

A massive Armada will destroy you all,  
And nothing of your glory will survive Earth's fall!  
Your destiny is clear now  
Because your doom is near now!  
And you should really fear how  
The planet Earth will fade!  
There is no doubt that the Irken Armada will invade!

My revenge will  
Be realized!  
They'll wreck the Earth  
Which you have prized!

This should instill  
Some fear in you;  
For to this turf  
You'll bid adieu!

And so you should now begin to make some room  
For your upcoming humiliating doom!  
There is no other choice here  
So just give up and voice fear  
That Irk will wipe the Earth clear!  
You won't survive the raid!  
I know you'll fall when the Irken Armada does invade!

They will crush you like a... squishy, crushy thing;  
It's foolish and futile for you to let hope ling-  
-er, for the Earth will be toast!  
For Irk will make sure that post-  
-haste that the planet will roast!  
Soon, all will be decayed!  
So make way; allow the Irken Armada to invade!

Dib, speaking: But I didn't ask you about the invasion...

Zim, speaking: Well, you were supposed to.

Dib, speaking: Oh.

Zim, speaking: It doesn't matter. Soon the Armada will destroy this filthy planet, and there's nothing you can do about it!

Dib, speaking: I defeated you, and I know I can defend Earth from a whole army of Irkens!

_Dib steps forward, and a spotlight appears on him._

**Back From the Past**  
Dib: Not long ago...  
Not very long ago...  
I thought my quest had ended.

But now I know  
That I must face a foe!  
My plans have been amended!

For, way back from my childhood  
Came a chance for me to do good!  
A job, unfinished, that I must  
Complete! And I'll do it, I trust!

My old rival, I won't forget,  
Has paved the way for a new threat!  
He's restarted the flames of war,  
So I must fight this threat once more!

Back from the past  
My newest quest has come!  
The die's been cast  
And I have to succumb  
To this new and vital call!  
I'll stop Irk once and for all!  
And now, at last,  
I will fin'lly come to terms... with my past!

My newest journey takes its cue  
From what I first aspired to;  
Ridding the world from invasion!  
Now I have the invitation

To try and snuff out this trouble!  
Irk can't turn the Earth to rubble,  
Because as long as I am here,  
I will make the threat disappear!

Back from the past  
My newest quest has come!  
The die's been cast  
And I have to succumb  
To this new and vital call!  
I'll stop Irk once and for all!  
And now, at last,  
I will fin'lly come to terms... with my past!

Beware, Irk; you have met your match  
In me, and our upcoming clash  
Will go very poorly for you,  
For your defeat is overdue!

So, I'll use my ability  
To stamp out this hostility!  
When Irk is gone, fighting can cease,  
And I'll bring planetary peace!

Back from the past  
My newest quest has come!  
The die's been cast  
And I have to succumb  
To this new and vital call!  
I'll stop Irk once and for all!  
And now, at last,  
I will fin'lly come to terms... with my past!

T'will be a blast,  
When I fin'lly come to terms... with... my... past!

_Blackout._  


* * *

_Scene II: The Dib Institute, Outer Space_

_The curtain rises on the exterior of Dib's Paranormal Institute. There is a fanfare as a crowd dances onstage._

**Dib's Newest Project** (http://math.boisestate.edu/gas/mikado/webopera/song05.mid)  
Crowd: Behold Dib's new and amazing project,  
An Institute of Paranormal Study!  
Which our hero will soon use to inspect  
The Irkens and prepare for battle bloody!

_Dib comes onstage and begins walking up to the podium with Girlfriend #3 and Gaz._

Hooray, hooray!  
For Dib will once again save the day!  
Hooray, hooray!  
For he'll once again, for he'll once again,  
Dib will once again save the day!

_Dib steps up to the podium to address the crowd._

Dib: I know that Earth will prevail  
With the help of this institute!  
We'll fight till the Irkens flail;  
We'll give that Armada the boot!

They'll invade to no avail;  
Whatever they do, they won't loot!  
For we'll study each detail;  
Of their weakness we'll be astute!

Whatever it may entail,  
This threat we will quickly uproot!  
Our own efforts will not fail!  
We will succeed in our pursuit!

Dib: I know that Earth will prevail  
Crowd: We know that Earth will prevail  
Dib: With the help of this institute!  
Crowd: We'll fight till the Irkens flail;  
Dib: Whatever it may entail,  
Crowd: Whatever it may entail,  
All: Our own efforts will not fail!

Crowd: Hooray, hooray!  
For Dib will once again save the day!  
Hooray, hooray!  
For he'll once again, for he'll once again save the planet today!

He will, he will!  
Yes, Dib will once again save the day!  
Hooray, hooray!  
For he'll once again, once again,  
He'll once again save the day!

Dib, speaking: And now, to get down to research!

**The Research Song**  
Dib: Now it's time to study Irk!  
And, once I get down to work,  
I'll follow this ingenious plan:

First I'll study the...

_The curtain abruptly falls, and the chorus dances on stage._

Dib, speaking but muffled: Not you again!

**Unfortuately Necessary (Reprise)**  
Kids: Because research is tedious,  
You'll now have to listen to us!  
We are unfortunately  
Necessary!

While we all entertain and sing,  
Dib's doing some dull research thing!  
We are unfortunately  
Necessary!

So our singing saved everyone  
From a plot point that's not much fun!  
Thus we distract...  
Sara: Unfortunately distract...  
Kids: But we must get back on track!  
Sara: Necessary to get back on track...  
Kids: Back to the act!

_The chorus dances offstage, and the curtain rises, revealing one of the interior rooms of the institute. There is a sign that reads 'The United World Association of Fighting Enemies'. There is a diagram of the Massive on the chalkboard. A soldier runs in._

Soldier, speaking: Sir, they're coming!

Dib, speaking: Listen carefully, everyone! This is the Massive: the Armada capitol ship! The side pods are filled with snacks; it's their weak spot. Alpha... you'll be bringing down the Massive!

Soldier, speaking: But who will lead Alpha squadron?

Dib, speaking: I'm not taking chances... I'll lead it! Now follow me; there isn't much time!

**It's Time You Followed Me **(http://www.broadwaymidi.com/down/ManOfLaMancha-02ManOfLaMancha-IDonQuixote.mid)  
Dib: Now prepare, for it's time to face our destiny  
'Gainst the wickedness from outer space!  
We must act, and quite soon all us Earthlings will see  
If we can beat the Irken race!

It's time you followed me, Dib,  
The planet's champion;  
Our destiny calls us to go!  
Let us hope we'll defeat them,  
For we need to beat them!  
We need to bring down our great foe!  
We shall bring down our great foe...  
Onward to glory we go!

Soldiers: We'll follow! Yes, we'll follow!  
We'll faithfully follow our hero!  
For we are sure that, with him,  
Irk will soon fall! That we know!

Dib: Hear me Irkens, your empire will be at an end  
The moment I and my troops attack!  
So you alien counquerers shouldn't pretend  
That we won't force you to go back!

Dib: It's time you followed me, Dib,  
Soldiers: We'll follow! Yes, we'll follow!  
Dib: The planet's champion;  
Our destiny calls us to go!  
Soldiers: We'll faithfully follow our hero!  
Dib: Let us hope we'll defeat them,  
Soldiers: For we are sure that, with him,  
Dib: For we need to beat them!  
We need to bring down our great foe!  
Soldiers: Irk will soon fall! That we know!  
Both: We shall bring down our great foe...  
Onward to glory we go!

_The walls and tables on the set are pulled away, revealing an outer space backdrop projection. One set, representing the edge of the Massive, is pulled to the right side of the stage with the Tallest on it. A group of Irkens dance onstage. Dib and the other soldiers join the Irkens in dramatic chorographed battle to the same tune as 'It's Time You Followed Me'. Dib dances behind the ship set and comes back carrying a bag of sweets with an Irken symbol on it._

**Retreat!**  
Red: Our snacks!  
Purple: Our snacks!  
Both: We can't stand these attacks!  
We might as well just concede out defeat!

For there's no hope!  
Without snacks, we can't cope!  
And so there's nothing to do but retreat!

Red: Retreat!  
Purple: Retreat!  
Both: It's time to take our fleet  
Someplace sweet  
Where we can eat!  
Thanks to the human's feat,  
We must retreat!

Red: That's it!  
Purple: That's it!  
Both: There's no choice but to quit!  
He took our snacks, so now we have to go!

We must go back!  
There's no hope of attack!  
It's time to concede defeat to our foe!

Red: Retreat!  
Purple: Retreat!  
Both: It's time to take our fleet  
Someplace sweet  
Where we can eat!  
Thanks to the human's feat,  
We must retreat!

_A curtain comes down; only Dib is in front of it. From either side of the stage, a crowd of people surrounds the triumphant Dib. Girlfriend #4 comes up and hugs him._

**Victory is His**  
Crowd: Victory is his, for he did save Earth!  
'Cause he's a whiz, none could enslave Earth!  
He has let the whole planet survive!

Through victory he's earned his fame,  
And all will justly praise his name!  
For he is the greatest person alive!

We don't lie; Dib's amazing!  
We're not wrong in our praising!  
For victory is his, yes, victory... is his!

_The crowd cheers, and the President walks up to Dib and and gives him a medal.Blackout._

* * *

_Scene III: Talk Show Set_

_Elderly Dib is seated across from Alan. The audience is projected onto a screen in the background._

Alan, speaking: Tonight's guest is the deserving recipient of the 'Greatest Person Ever To Live Award', Sir Dib... Dib... whatever your last name is.

Dib, speaking: That's right.

**The Interview**  
Alan: It's nice to speak to you once more.  
You've led a full career.  
You've done plenty of things before  
You sat next to me here.

Thanks to your efforts, the world knew  
Aliens existed.  
You showed us other creatures, too,  
That were weird and twisted!

And, later, when the Irkens came,  
You could quickly deduce  
How you could put their plans to shame!  
You even rode a moose!

In light of your success, you've raised  
Your fans' admiration!  
Due to your efforts, all have praised  
You for our salvation!

I'm curious about one fact  
That your fans want to know:  
Was there ever an act  
That you did long ago

Which started you on the road to  
Your future of success?  
What was the first thing you did do  
That started your progress?

Dib, speaking: Wow, heh, that's going back a long ways...

Dib: Though you may not believe me,  
My wonderful life's journey  
Began with a tiny step.

When, to my satisfaction,  
I finally took action  
To try and damage Zim's rep!

You may guess that I did a task of greatness and import  
To start me on my path, but it was nothing of the sort!  
It was enough that I was firm in my dedication  
To stop just sitting and letting Zim try to take each nation!

It all started in the cafeteria, when I knew  
Things had to change! In order to achieve this goal, I threw  
Something at Zim's head! And, you know, it was really nothin',  
But everything changed for me after I threw that muffin!

_Alan stands up and points at Dib._

Alan, speaking: Ha!

Dib, speaking: Uh, Alan?

Alan, speaking: I knew it was you!

_The backdrop projection disappears and the area around Alan and Dib is surrounded by a cloud of smoke. When the smoke disappears, Dib is back to his normal age and Alan has been replaced by Zim._

Dib, speaking: Wha...? There aren't shoe aliens?

_Zim cackles evilly._

**I Knew It!**  
Zim: I knew it!  
You threw it!  
Nobody else could do it!  
I knew that filthy muffin came from you!

I knew it!  
You'll rue it!  
The way that I construe it,  
You will regret the muffin that you threw!

For I've proven your guilt  
Through this fiction I've built!  
I lured you into a false sense of security!

But I knew all along  
That you had done the wrong!  
And so I resolved to take my revenge rightfully!

For...  
I knew it!  
You blew it!  
For I knew what was true; it  
Was clear that only you would act this way!

You'd do it...  
See to it...  
Make sure that I was blue; it  
Was a conclusion I saw clear as day!

But the last laugh was mine,  
For I had revenge divine!  
I made sure that you'd regret what you had done!  
And Zim has had his great revenge-y fun!  
I have won!

Dib, speaking: But... but... why did you go to all this trouble?

Zim, speaking: Ha! Do you not see the amazing brilliance of Zim's _ingenious_ revenge?

**Doomed By Your Wonderful Life Of Doom**  
Zim: I gave you the perfect life!  
And that doesn't sound too bad...  
But you will always look back  
On the false success you had.

And you will reflect with strife  
Wishing for a tiny bit  
Of that success, but, alack,  
You will never get one whit!

If, by some weird chance, you taste some success,  
When you look at it, the feat won't impress!

For, however far you may get in life, you'll be saddled by this sad blow;  
You can't live up to the life you just lived, and you'll live in your own shadow!  
You'll be doomed...  
Offstage Voices: Doomed!  
Zim: ...By your wonderful life of doom!

For the rest of your life, when you succeed, your small achievement will pale  
Next to the example of your past life, and, thus, you will always fail!  
You'll be doomed...  
Offstage Voices: Doomed!  
Zim: ...By your wonderful life of doom!

You'll rue your life,  
Boo-hoo your life,  
For to you it will seem grim!  
Any future would look dim  
Next to your wonderful life of doom!

Now you know my brilliant plan!  
And can understand your fate!  
Anything you try to do  
Can never possibly rate!

And, throughout your whole lifespan  
You will contemplate with gloom  
That any task you pursue  
Will nat'rally end in doom!

Dib: Well, you know what, Zim? This is what I think...  
You... uh... la, la, la... really, really stink!

Zim: Dib, your pitiful rhyme doesn't scare me; it simply shows how much I've won!   
For you'll never rhyme as you did before, nor do anything else you've done!  
You'll be doomed...  
Offstage Voices: Doomed!  
Zim: ...By your wonderful life of doom!

You will never match your past life's success, for you no longer have the skill!  
You may pretend, that you'll defeat me, Zim, but you should know you never will!  
You'll be doomed...  
Offstage Voices: Doomed!  
Zim: ...By your wonderful life of doom!

Review your life  
Anew with strife!  
Chances of success are slim,  
Because of the wrath of Zim!  
Who made your wonderful life of doom!

_The entire cast comes onstage and sings in a sprightly manner._

All but Dib: Now resign yourself to despair and angst, for your future won't be pleasant!  
You will live with perceptions of failure, thanks to Zim's ironic present!  
Crowd 1: You'll be doomed...  
Crowd 2: Doomed!  
All but Dib: ...By your wonderful life of doom!

You thought that you had achieved all your goals; now you find yourself at square one!  
But your next attempt won't end the same way! This time, it won't be half as fun!  
Crowd 1: You'll be doomed...  
Crowd 2: Doomed!  
Crowd 1: Doomed!  
Crowd 2: Doomed!  
All but Dib: Doomed!   
...By your wonderful life of doom!

_Zim throws the muffin at Dib, who glares at him angrily. The cast bows, and the curtain falls._

* * *

**THE END (No, really... I mean it this time)**  
No aliens, bigfeet, ghosts, or lake monsters were harmed in the production of Dib's Wonderful Life of Doom - The MUSICAL!

* * *


End file.
